Be Watchful, Be Ready!

This time last year we were waiting and preparing for lots of other events that happened alongside Christmas. There was a great sense of anticipation as my Brother in Law and his now wife embarked on a new life as a married couple. The preparation and excitement about travelling further abroad (than we had ever been before) to meet, stay,embrace and welcome a whole new part to our family. Therefore Advent was spent getting prepared, being watchful and making sure we were ready for a multitude of comings and goings. Running around making sure everything was packed, children were ready, passports were ready and the cat looked after. So many things in so little a time to make sure we were ready to welcome these new lives into ours.
A year on I can not say thank you enough. The love and joy the whole of my Sister in Laws family have brought in to ours has been fantastic. They took all of us into their house and without reservation treated us with the warmest welcome having never met us before, and have continued to do so since. So we  followed a star of a kind, to a stable of a kind, found lodgings and a new gift of family.
Each Advent should be filled with this bustle of anticipation. There is much to be done for the birth of Christ. Is our heart open to this gift? Is it ready for the sacrifices it must make? Are our doors flung open in welcome?
Advent welcomes in a new Liturgical year, and with it a chance for new beginnings. A chance for us to look at our lives a new, ready for this new life to arrive in ours. I always find an examination of conscience at this point a good starting point. I find the Sacrament of reconciliation an important part of Advent preparation. Whether this is your tradition or not, I would heartily recommend finding a way to bring your sins to God. In bringing our transgressions before the Lord, allowing him to take them and absolve them, leaves us with a clean slate to start our preparations.
Having cleaned our hearts of our wrong doing, we can open it to Christ. Spending time with Christ we can discern the journey that we are to take over the coming year.
Then we can metaphorically pack our suitcase for the journey. We can start looking at the tools we need to journey alongside Christ.
Then we can follow our star to the stable, and inside find our gifts, love, joy, faith, hope and forgiveness. All of these enormous treasures before us in one small and fragile child. What a wondrous gift indeed.
As I walk a much calmer journey towards Christmas this year, I am grateful for the gift of a new family I received last year. I am grateful for the new life we have been given in Ilkley. I am listening and preparing for a whole new journey in the coming year. There will be many new blessings to arrive in our lives next year, each one will bring new life and light into our lives.
All of these lights in our lives burn so brightly because they are all gifts which come from the light that lights all lights.  Our Lord Jesus Christ.

Christus vincit:Christus regnat:Christus Imperat

This weekend has been a truly wonderful one. It is also one that flies in the face of the shock headlines that the newspapers have been all too delighted to throw at the Church. One of the services I have been to have been to was full to bursting and with a good base of young children to grow up in the faith.  Others have been well attended and again with a thriving and growing base of children. It is however true that at any stage in the Church's past, present or future, we are always a generation away from dying out. Should we fail to capture the imaginations of those younger than us, it would be the generation that would fail to carry us on.

I placed a C.S.Lewis quote on social media earlier in the week. It read "God doesn't want something from us. He simply wants us." It is a quote I have always been fond of, not just because he is one of my favorite writers but because it embodies quite simply the reason I came to have a faith. At a time when everyone else demanded things of me, some of the Nuns at my school did the opposite. Through their life and their interaction with me, they showed me a glimpse of what the love of God meant. A few years later I went on to work at our local YMCA with vulnerable young teenagers. Some were only vaguely vulnerable, others exceptionally so. However what struck me as shocking was not the cases of abuse, those I had expected. What I had not expected was the level of stress and depression and self harm that came about quite simply because these poor young people felt that everybody wanted something from them in order to give them love and appreciation. They came to us, to get free food, some chill time and more importantly an unconditional ear and time. 

We live in a society now, that requires 24 hours of conformity in order to be accepted. What we say and do has never been more scrutinized both on a personal level and on an organizational level. Everybody has their expectations and many are all to willing to tear apart whatever it is we do or say. We however as baptized members of Christ's church have a duty to do the opposite.  Christ came to love us warts and all and it is our mission to do the same to everyone we meet. Here is where my quote from CS Lewis comes into play, as a missional tool for the Church. At a time when I was lost and vulnerable, it was acts of kindness, inclusion and an introduction to the Catholic Faith that has given me a lifelong Faith. If we were to go out of our buildings or bring people in and show them this unconditional love, how many more people could we bring flooding through our gates.

I am a great believer in incarnational ministry not just for our Priests but as a duty for all Christians.
However the image of the CofE has been blighted by our many internal arguements. We are not seen as loving and tolerant, but instead judgemental and incapable of loving each other let alone those outside our enclave.

Hopefully in the new budding trust that is developing, a new stronger and tolerant Church will blossom. It would be so much better if we were all able to work together, for in loving one another we can go out and love the world.

At this point there is another CS Lewis quote that seems appropriate


The life of Christ was not a comfortable one, therefore if we are to live a truly incarnational life, ours can not be either. But we should not let that stand in our way. For the love of Christ our King will reign over all.

Christus vincit:Christus regnat:Christus Imperat

The Butterfly at the Window

For many weeks now, as I have sat in Church there has been a butterfly persistently trying to escape through the glass window. The delicate creatures frittering and fluttering is so vigorous it can often be heard over whoever is preaching. I can only imagine it lives everyday like this, repeatedly banging it's tiny head against a window, risking damaging it's fragile body in a desperate attempt to reach the world it really desires whilst this invisible barricade stands in it's way. How it has lived so long I do not know, I can only assume it feeds of the flowers and has some exceptional will power to reach the other side of the glass. Still I expect as the weather cools, it will eventually cease to be there one Sunday morning.

We all stand on a precipice between the worlds we long to live in and the one we actually live in. For some of us we dream of many different scenarios, for example the  peaceful equal world which morally we should want  and the world we really want where we own and have everything we could possibly want. For the few true saints that walk among us those two worlds merge and more often than not they are the living example of what they desire.

For the rest of us life is not so simple. Most of us live in an entirely comfortable situation, it is hard to sacrifice what makes us feel safe. We know that in reality we have more than we possibly need, yet we desire more and have the capability  usually to get it. As we move towards Advent most of the country starts preparing for Christmas. I read in one paper yesterday about how we are in the 49 hours of preparation for the Christmas party look (new clothes, hair and make up). In the same paper was a statement from the Archbishop of Canterbury about how we should step away from materialism and give "LOVE" for Christmas. As a nation we apparently spent an average of £1,000 on Christmas last year. We put so much pressure on ourselves to produce a perfect event, that very often that is the very reason we do not. Many years ago now, I stepped out of the rat race. Preferring to give where I can homemade gifts and cards. I also stopped competing when it came to kids parties, we have for sometime now had a couple of friends, a film and pizza. By taking out the pressure we all have a bigger gift of "LOVE". Those who are there, want to be and it is a happy place. By giving homemade presents, you may not have spent big money but you have spent your time and in turn giving that "LOVE" again. My children love mucking in at the end of every term to make something for their teachers, it shows they are genuinely grateful for all the teachers time and effort by giving the same back in return. And truly when we already have it all, do we really need more of the big things?

I confess though that I am not immune to consumerism, I love pretty items and lovely clothes. I walk into shops and want everything in front of me, just like everyone else. However though I am still prone to window shopping, I try to buy second hand in the main. This final move happened after my Barefoot walk last Lent. Not only do I then end up with the pretty things I want, when I need them, but by going to a Charity shop I am giving something back to someone else that needs it and lowering my impact on the environment. The children to, love rifling through Charity shops. Though it has to be said, when it comes to Christmas they do get some new presents, but not the hundreds of pounds worth other parents seem to buy. But if I can get what they have asked for second hand, they never complain and don't really seem to notice. Life is simpler this way. I have long since given up on the desire to try and compete and as such I am more relaxed. As for spending 49 hours deciding what to wear for the Christmas do, I do not own make up, my hair can come out of it's hairband and I have a dress already. There are better things to spend my time on, so I am off to make some more chutney. But remember as you turn your thoughts towards Advent and then Christmas, that Advent is not about counting days with chocolates so you can receive even more stuff for yourself. It is a time for looking at yourself and what you can do in order to make yourself worthy of that gift as it comes down from heaven. The greatest gift anyone can ever receive, came down to the humblest of houses and the humblest of parents. Peace, Love and Joy can not be found in acquisitions, but they can be found in each other.

"Man can not live by bread alone."

"Man can not live by bread alone", is a phrase I have heard over and over again through my life. I am always tempted to say "Maybe not, but I will give it jolly good try." I love bread. From the very first moment of mixing yeast with water and that beery aroma develops, through kneading it, to watching it erupt into it's finished self in the oven. When it emerges hot and steaming filling my kitchen with that lovely fresh bread smell, it is irresistible. It is to me a temptation too far. As much as I know bread is best left for at least an hour. It is broken and spread with butter that melts the instant it touches the bread. My teeth then crunch through that gloriously thick crust. It is a pleasure that I am unable to leave sitting there and maybe shows how bad my will power really is.

Bread does therefore play a huge part in my life, whether it is baking it, shopping for it (as above) or eating it. It is part of every corner of my life, it is even a central part of my faith.  When we started college I attended a coffee group on Friday mornings. It was customary to come up with some kind of activity that demonstrates what our faith means to us. We spent many mornings doing crafty things. I was challenged for a few days when it came to my turn as to how I could demonstrate the importance of the Eucharist in my life. It came to me one morning that we could bake and break bread. 

We gathered together and I spread the dough equally between us, making sure those who were absent also had some bread dough to be shaped by us as well. How we shaped our piece of dough was up to each us. We placed them next to each other on the tray and left them to prove and bake. While the bread was doing it's work, we said morning prayer and I explained the purpose of the bread in relation to me and my faith. To me baking bread like this, is like coming to Church (and indeed like going to college) . You start of as individuals, you join together as a community, grow and break away to share what you have learnt in the time together. In sharing the bread we are sharing a meal (a small meal but a meal none the less). This means dividing between us all something that gives us life and in doing so it also gives us fellowship. The Eucharist does this as well. We come together to share our spiritual meal, and essential part of our developing faith and discipline as Christians. We come to share Christ between us all and then take him out into our separate lives. 

I try to attend Mass as often as I can, but by no means as often as I would like. I find that when I do not I get impatient and struggle with what life throws at me. Spending time in prayer and most especially at Mass gives me the space to sort out things in my head, share what I need to with Christ and receive his forgiveness and carry away his blessing.

So while we may not be able to live by bread alone, it forms an essential base on which so many parts of our lives can be grown. So next time you break bread and share it, think of all the different meanings it has in your life. Most of all remember that as you share this bread, a man once broke bread as a symbol of his body which he broke for us. 

"Who, in the same night he was betrayed, took bread and gave you thanks; he broke it, gave it to his disciples, saying: Take, eat; this is my body which is given for you; Do this in remembrance of me."

Barefoot Camping

I know I have been incredibly bad at keeping this up over the Summer. It would appear that having all three children at home takes up all your time. We have had some fun over the holidays with face painting, CBBC live in Leeds, swimming and camping. All in all in very busy holiday, culminating in today which is the first day I have had since we moved with all the children at school. Silence.... sometimes I relish it, other times I want nothing more than the house to be filled with noise again. Though it has led to a fairly productive day.

Back to the holidays. We have latterly been off on our travels, this means three things Churches, walks and Camping.We have been on a bit of a road trip this time taking in Luxembourg, Trier,Metz and Amiens among other delights. We have squeezed our way through rocks, climbed up and down river banks and seen beautiful and awesome Holy places. I feel privileged once again to be able to experience these wonderful things. I must stress that I have not been doing all this barefoot, my insanity radar is not quite that high. The barefoot bit refers to those night time dashes to the facility block with a certain little (well not quite so little) five year old. For these there is no time to put on shoes, even is I had wanted to. So in the freezing cold mud we dash through the gauntlet of rain at least once every night. Part of me enjoys these night sojourns, as much to my daughters amusement I use the time to point out all the fantastic wildlife that makes it into this light filled arena. This year we had a multitude of moths, a frog or two and the inevitable Daddy Long legs to amuse us. Yet there is a down side to the local wildlife bit, because pray as hard as I might, it does not seem to be appreciated by anyone that my need to be separated from the local eight legged wildlife is essential for everyone's sanity.
I like getting back to the simple things in life for a while. It is nice not to have all the faff of modern life to contend with. It also reminds me as the night draws in and the temperature drops that there are many people who do not even have the protection of canvas over their heads at night. It brings a whole new level of appreciation for what they go through. As I pull the blanket up over me, light the gas stove and drink my warm cocoa and I am still freezing cold and grumpy about the noise of the rain on the tent. Yet even in what I might call a small level of hardship I am so much better off than many. Puts it all in to perspective when you start thinking of carpets, heating and a warm bed (all of which I now very gratefully have back). No matter how grumpy I am feeling about the situation these tendencies to realize the privileges I have does mean I am inclined towards making the best of every situation I am placed in. After all had I not put up with the hardships I would not have seen the awesome space at Metz, the gorgeous Gothic Grandeur at Amiens and the colourful calming space at Trier.
It has to be said that after the last three soggy and grey days of the holiday, I was all to pleased to be pulling into the valleys of Yorkshire. As we drove through the sun was shining gloriously and inside the car you could ignore the cold and pretend that it was a warming Summers day. It felt truly like I was coming home. Somehow spending a short time away has made Ilkley home, more than ever.
So many adventures and blessing had and left to be had, for this I am more than grateful.

Building life's Castles

As I sit here writing there are two small people attempting to build a castle with the left over removal boxes. Clearly the vast expanse of house available to them is to much, they require a smaller and more basic design. Four walls, preferably collapsible, easy to transport and the ability to set up home near someone they care about so they can share life's ups and downs.
It has occurred to me whilst watching this, that this would have been amazingly convenient over the last few years. If I could have folded my house and all it's belongings into the back of the car, maybe squeezing in a few relatives at the same time, moving would have been much easier and life much simpler.
I spend a great deal of my life desiring something better than what I have. I am not in anyway proud of this, but I still find myself doing it. What has become apparent in the process of acquiring things, is though on the surface things become simpler, what is actually happening is life gets more complicated. We constantly hear reverberating around various parts of our lives conversations such as:-
If we both work, we will afford it all
If I buy this, life will be better
If I do this, all life's problems will be solved
If I lose weight/wear make up/dress in the latest fashions, everyone will like me
All these things bring complications into our lives and very rarely bring the Utopia we think they will. It is all very much a symptom of the great secular revolution, this concept that all can be solved by shallow and soul less changes to our lives.
As I have been sat here, the two small people next door have gone from arguing over boxes, space and pens, to co-operating and building a shared space. Taking the simpler concept into an even simpler concept of we have a little let us share what we have. The more we acquire, the more we want, the more possessive we become and the less we become inclined to share. We become empty and lonely. It is a true, a rich man is only rich because he keeps the money that makes him so.
On my chalkboard in the kitchen I have quoted Sylvia Plath "I desire the things that will destroy me in the end". It is a useful reminder, that ultimatly what we desire is often what corrupts us the most. However when we find the simplicity of space, time and peace, that moment when we encounter God. If we stop and listen we find the emptiness is where we find contentment. A singular search for happiness in what we possess, will always be an empty and fruitless one. If we search for the greater truths there is only one to be had and tranquility can be found.
 Yet again I fall short of this ideal, as do we all it is what makes us human. However I am hoping that watching my children build this simple house, having worked through their differences to find a common ground, that I will remember at least for a few days to prioritize the right things in life.

Polka Dots and Babies

Looking through our eyes, is kind of like looking through a magnifying glass, the world is distorted by the way we see it. All sorts of factors cause this distortion, our parents, our peer groups, our faith or perhaps our lack of it. For me many of these factors in my life have been conflicted, for the first 7 yrs of my life my mother was on her own and we lived on the bread line. She got married and I was catapulted into a world of middle class privilege and boarding school. I spent my early years growing up in the Salvation Army and the URC, then I went to a Catholic boarding school. I spent term times in towns and cities and my holidays in the Scottish countryside. Who I am is a polka dot mix of these, there is a blanket colour background, with dots of vehemently held and defended identity. This very much colours how I see the world.

Having moved to what I am reliably informed is "God's own Country" , I can see why it has earned this name. In the Sunshine you can see for miles the undulating English Countryside in all it's pride and glory. Your are surrounded by a truly awesome beauty and with it's jagged crags and distinct flora you also get a sense of the strength and power of God and his creation. You are surrounded by everything and yet can be perfectly still and at peace. You can feel in touch with God whether you are despairing or elated. There is countryside here to reflect it all and allow you to pause and discern where your faith may be headed.  

I find it very hard not to be inspired by these simple things, not least by the tenacity of our local sheep to escape the Moor in order to reek havoc in the town. What I can not ever ceased to be inspired by is the birth of a child. Each one is a miracle and you only have to ask my husband to know that I do not relax until I know each one I know of being born is safely delivered. I love the hope of new life and what it will bring, however I am also more than a little bit aware of how fragile life is. Here is where the miracle of God's gift of creation is most evident. Something so strong and so fragile, given to us in his image. What we do with this awesome gift in the next few years will affect  the way that fragile life force grows and behaves, how it will see the world and in turn how it will interact. This is our responsibility as parents, god parents and as Christians. From the moment you meet a child for the first time, it will log record and rein-act the way you behave. This is how we learn to be human. 

We have a wonderful new gift of life in this country. He is a focus of celebration and joy for many in this country. He is not just any baby boy, he will be our future Monarch and also the future Head of our Church. In a time when we are still in an uncertain economic situation, he represents a positive future in which we can all grow. There are many things that are broken in society now, maybe we can work towards resolving some of them by the time he has grown up. Let us hope that the influence from the citizens of Great Britain will be be a positive one on this tiny baby and his parents. So congratulations to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and to all others who received the gift of life yesterday, may God walk with you all on this journey.

  

Issues of Trust

Walking into a Parish that you have seen once for about an hour and a half about 9 months before you arrive required a certain amount of trust and faith. In doing so, I placed faith and trust in God and the judgement of my husband. Fortunately, I was entirely right to do so. I have a fantastic home, in a beautiful Parish full of wonderful people. However as you are aware I had many moments of vulnerability in the run up to arriving. I was constantly reminded of a moment in Doctor Who when Donna is in a Taxi with an alien and the Doctor has the Tardis flying alongside, he holds out his hand to grab her......
That gaping moment between hope and despair when grabbing on and having faith in the option available to you. When the person there says "Do you trust me?", you have to trust in the unknown and with a willingness to accept that it could all go drastically wrong. Sometimes we trust, instantly and with few questions. When we submit ourselves and our lives to God in Confirmation we are despite the lack of physical reality placing trust in him. At the point of Baptism our parents did the same, they trusted God to be with you and care for you. When you arrive at the point in your life to receive the sacraments of Confession and in turn the Eucharist you place trust in him to love and forgive you no matter what you have done. When you reach the point of committing to another in the Sacrament of marriage, we are trusting both God to hold us and our partner in life to keep the vows we make before God. These are just a few moments when we commit our trust to God and to others. While we are willing to place trust in God with the faith that he will hold us, we seem to expect more of our mortal companions. We expect them to earn our trust. It is a far more fragile form of trust, that is broken easily and hard to rebuild.
Trust is a hard concept, it leaves us vulnerable and open to pain. If it did not it would not be so valuable. There are many issues within the Anglican Church at the moment that require trust, however there has been a wall built between us all. The wall is fear, the bricks of fear and misunderstanding have built a wall that must be brought down brick by brick.
I do however have moments when I get so frustrated by everybody's (including my own) lack of ability to leave ourselves open to the wounds of Christ. We should be willing to leave ourselves open to the possibility that things might go wrong,but that in the midst of the chaos God will hold out his hand and say "Do you trust me?" It is not that easy though, we all carry our scars, identities and vulnerabilities. We bring together many traditions and theological points of view, all of whom have been hurt and feel betrayed. However I am increasingly coming to the opinion that no matter how much we try and protect the interests of all parties concerned, we can not do so by law. The only way we can make this work is, if we tear the wall down between us. Hold out our hands to each other and say "Do you trust me?"
The only way we can earn trust, is if we leave ourselves open to being wounded. If we wrap ourselves up in cotton wool, it not only shows how little faith we have in other Christians but also how little trust we have in God. I truly believe that the theological ideals I live by, is what God has set out before us as a model for life. It is much a part of who I am and how I live my life as my faith in God. If this is true, should I not be prepared to stand and trust that I will be safe if I risk a little of who I am. When we turn to God we give our whole life, we should be prepared to walk away from all we have and turn to him, to trust him. I have twice now walked away from comfortable lives, one a very comfortable middle class one and the other a place surrounded by people who shared my beliefs. This makes living the life you want to lead very easy. To live unchallenged is to live without strength, not to trust is not to grow in faith. Where would we be if Jesus had not entrusted his entire life to the hands of his Father? Maybe we should be prepared to do so too.

Putting faith in the path ahead

When Jesus walked out on the sea towards the disciples. Peter asked if he to could walk on the sea towards his Lord. He starts out gliding across with grace, but he starts to think about what he is doing and begins to sink. This is a passage that Bishop Tom Butler chose to speak about in his sermon at my husband's ordination. It seems a very appropriate passage for us. So much of the process of finding this curacy and arriving here has been founded on walking out to sea trying not to think of the vast expanse of space between us and the bottom of the sea. There have been moments of doubts, when it has felt like we have been sinking.This weekend though, I don't think either of us could have been gliding on the water with more faith and confidence in God.
Three years of training and many more years of exploration, culminated in Chris' ordination this Petertide. A sin it maybe but I could not have been more proud.
In the evening there was a Parish party to welcome us, Chris could not have looked more natural in a cassock, greeting people. So then begins our lives in the Parish. Despite the many conversations from experienced clergy spouses, I suspect that yet again I am launching myself out onto the sea and it will be my faith that keeps me afloat. I am also being kept busy trying to educate our middle son, who has not yet got a place at school. This in it's self has been a blessing and it is lovely to have this special time with my middle son, who so often gets left out due to the clamor of his older and younger siblings.
All three children have, despite hitting the ground running coped amazingly well. The two in school have made friends and settled in well. My daughter has in the three weeks we have been here learnt to read and write and come in the top three of all her sports day races. My eldest son, who fell to pieces when we moved to Oxford, has settled in well and appears very happy at school.
There is I know a journey full of many new challenges, but for a few small moments I have the confidence and strength of faith to glide across the water. I am sure sooner rather than later I will think more than I should about what it is we are doing and the doubts will creep in. However, for now I shall enjoy the beauty surrounding me, the lovely Parish and Parishioners and most of all the fact that as a family we are all totally content and happy with where we are. Deo gratias.

Returning to the begining

The Phillip's family have arrived in Ilkley and unpacked. We have left the cutlery in deepest darkest Oxfordshire, but I suppose you can not have everything. It is arriving by Ordinand courier service on the way to her retreat next week. So all is not lost in the long term. We have been made to feel most welcome and we are beginning to feel very settled already.

What we could not have predicted when we moved, was how soon we would be making a return to the place where this journey all started. Not just once but twice in the space of two days. There are many beautiful and God filled places in the North East.  They are multitudes of awesome places to find silence and prayer amid the beauty of God's creation. However there is one point of pilgrimage that people around the world flock to. It was here in this magnificent cathedral, that towers over city, castle and hill that this journey began.

We have spent nearly all of our married life living in the beautiful city of Durham. It has an allure to it that I have only found in one other city (St David's). Despite being a city, it is like a small village full of people you know and who know you. Despite being away for over three years, I was able to walk through the streets and bump into people and converse with them like I had never left. Indeed, I suppose part of me never really did. It was a wrench to leave Durham. It was the place of our first house, our marriage and the birth of all our children. It is already a place that many people who settle there feel hard to leave, adding those events made it seem all the harder. However we have covered my tendency to get attached to places in previous posts and I am digressing. 

We were called to go back to the seat of St Cuthbert so soon by particular circumstances caused by our current move. We had not returned during the entire three years of my husband's training. The Cathedral stamps a mark on Durham from almost whatever direction you enter the city, making even the castle seem tiny. It is a building of towering beauty that is strong but also peaceful and is a towering witness to the awesomeness of God standing over the City.
Coming back after three years this is what struck me the most. I had worshiped there for many years and it had become part of the woodwork for me and did not seem exceptional. However on returning, walking through the door, seeing the Rose window radiating it's light at the end of the vast expanse of nave. I was truly humbled. It is a space that is just full of the presence of Christ. Even among the mid week low rumble of school visit chatter, tourist fascination and pilgrim prayer, the presence is tangible and it is a building full of grace, peace, love and wisdom. Walking around the staff have changed very little since I was last there, neither have the clergy. It is a truly special place that retains staff in this way. Though time has passed and things have changed (they have completely changed the shop for instance), it is like a little piece of life that time forgot. It stays comfortingly the same because of the wisdom and godliness of the people who serve there. It was truly special to go back and share the beginning of the next step with the people who nudged, encouraged and believed in my husband in the first place.
God is always there towering over our lives. Like the magnificent building built for us to find him in, his presence is always there stamping it's mark on our lives. We can choose to walk past the wonderful beauty, strength and peace, or we can choose to seek it. We can choose to ignore the timeless unconditional forgiving love or we can choose to embrace. I would suggest that choosing to embrace it would vastly improve our lives. Not make them simple or easy, in fact in many ways it involves a great deal of sacrifice. Through those sacrifices though we develop wisdom and gain inordinate amounts of peace and love, which we can in turn reinvest in the people and lives around us. 

Home is where............

I am not unused to a transient lifestyle, as I have said before we have moved several times before. However prior to coming here we had stayed put for longer than ever before. Now after three years here and the reality of only three/four years somewhere else the reality that I am going back to a transient lifestyle for the rest of my life has hit. Don't get me wrong I am not adverse to moving, in fact I quite like it. It is always an adventure, this time more than most as I have not even seen the house I am moving to. I do have one hitch in the moving plan though. I get attached, to quickly to the places that are around me. Somehow it feels every time like I am up and leaving a part of who I am. No matter how hard I try not to I invest every part of me in where I am at that point, I always do. So I am at the moment an emotional gibbering mess (what's new you ask?).

I am slowly coming to the conclusion though that what makes me attached to the people and places I grow to love is not my proximity to them but the changes they effect in me. There have been many people and places in my life that have had profound effects on me. Being a passionate person these are very rarely moderate changes but huge big ones. The first was a long time ago whilst at boarding school, the Nuns and the school Chapel.

At a time when for many personal reasons I was vulnerable, they provided me with a stability  I would not have otherwise had. This time in my life is very much the foundation of who I am. I have realized over this last year, you can take the girl out of the Roman Catholic Church but you can not remove what it is to be essentially Catholic. When I left this school, it was a most difficult time for me, all I had and knew collapsed, as indeed did my Faith.
It has been a long a round about journey back to where I am today. My mother always said you return to the worship you began with. I think she desperately hoped that would be the Salvation Army. Her spiritual home. However, for me the routine of the Daily Office, the sharing of The Body of Christ at Mass, the reflection of Benediction and the theological ideals of what it means to be a Catholic Anglican is where I have found my home. It is not where I started, it is not where my Mother would have seen me and certainly I am not in the Convent as the Nuns had foretold. But I have found many places of Sanctuary in Oxford. Each has given me back a bit of what I have lost through my past. Yesterday I was sad as I said Goodbye to one, today however I rejoice in the fact that I am not leaving it behind. I am taking it with me, for it has changed me. As long as I take that change in my heart and carry on what has been started, I am taking it with me.
So much of what God gives us it is easy to leave behind. The gifts and opportunity left in our paths are easily dismissed. It is easy to walk away, I know I have been guilty of it many times. God knocks on our door and say "Who me, are you kidding?" It has certainly been tempting to say that this time. To stay firmly in the places that have taught me to be at peace with my self and my beliefs, it would certainly be the easy option. But I think to stay would be to waste the gifts that have been placed before me. So this time, I am taking home and God with me, to make a new home with the old one as a foundation. So I guess what I am saying is home (and God) is where your heart has been and where your heart is yet to go.

 

Called to Motherhood

I was reading a magazine article a few months ago, about someone who keeps images of Christ around them to remind them of how they should live. The idea being that the more you look at Christ the easier it is to become Christlike. I have to confess that this is the main reason I wear a crucifix, it makes me stop and think at that those vulnerable times about how I should behave. It does not always work, which is the most shameful part. Sometimes I am wholly and totally selfish.

Then finding myself returning to the presence of Christ it is hard to look him in the eye, so to speak. I know his forgiveness is without reservation, but somehow my repeated transgressions do not seem worthy of such complete love. The revelation of such a divine love was the catalyst behind my journey of Faith. 

It was an understanding that revealed itself the first time I held a child of my own. When I looked at this vulnerable miracle, I knew I would defend his life with mine, no matter what his transgressions.  It is a totally overwhelming love, it consumed my very being. I have now experienced this three times. With each and every child it is just as powerful, yet the capacity to love the others is in no way diminished. If you had asked me twelve years ago if I had the ability to love to that capacity I would have said "NO". Yet here I am. Sometimes the love is pushed to its' very limits but I do not think love is meant to be easy. Love and joy are words so closely associated with the Christ. They are words that go hand in hand with hate and sorrow, which are words that are also associated with Christ. The call to love one another is a painful sacrificial call but also one which brings so much love and joy into our own lives and those with whom we share it.
These common themes are also the theme of Motherhood. Motherhood can in and of itself be a calling and vocation. It is not the one I would have said would have been mine whilst I was growing up. However God had other plans and thrust in my path a love from which I could not hide. Here I come back to the Virgin Mary (I told you, I would). In the quiet of night, an angel came and changed the direction of a young girls life. She encountered a divine love and a human love all wrapped up into one tiny bundle which she had to nurture and ultimately sacrifice. She is a braver woman than I, I do not think I could have had the faith in God to stand at the foot of the cross as my child was mocked, beaten and humiliated. She had such a pure trust in God and Jesus. It is truly something to which we should all aspire.
The honor of sharing her body with the truly divine is one we will never share. However each and every child carried and born is a miracle of God. Therefore it is a God given vocation, however that plays out in others lives, in mine it is one of the ways in which God has called me to serve. 

As time goes by..............

I can not believe that this year has gone past so quickly. It is has been a year of many journeys, some completed, some abandoned and some yet to reach an end. I have in the space of a year stepped back and faced a past I thought I never could. I have examined and re-examined my faith and beliefs in a very personal way. It has been the year in which my youngest started school, leaving me at home without children for the first time in 12 years. Therefore there has been no point in this last year  when I have not been changing a part of me. Hopefully it has all been a development for the better and not for worse. Certainly, I am now fitter than I ever have been and there is a quiet stillness behind my chaotic life that I thought I would never have.

I know it will seem, odd to some of you that I talk of the end of a year. But for us and our life, it is nearly a year since the journey towards our lives post college began. It was an injection of reality into a life that I had been in denial about. I had not really thought about, what it would mean to leave college. I had only thought about my intense desire to just get out. For many reasons I have found our time here hard. It has taught me many lessons about the Church that I needed to learn, but has also challenged very deeply the traditional beliefs which I have.However a year can make a huge difference.

Last July someone told me "Use this year to sort out your life, then you will all be ready for Parish life" Well I took him at his word, and have done precisely that. I have gone on a journey of discerning quite where and how I fit in, who I am and how to put the past behind me.  The vast expanse of time during the day that has suddenly appeared since my daughter started school, has been used to good effect. I had expected it to be a time of loneliness and boredom, however it has never been dull. I have spent much more time thinking, which has enabled me to start writing again, create small projects for myself around the house, develop my faith and run a fundraising project.

I am most grateful to the people who have encouraged me along the way. Thankful for those who have had the unfortunate experience of being my sounding board and still imparted their wisdom and guidance.  I know that a new journey is only just beginning, I am sure the pathway will be just as confusing as the one here has been. However, I feel more equipped to deal with what life is going to throw at me. My only regret is that the wonderful Churches and Chapels that I have grown to love and be part of over the last year have to be left behind. 

Finding peace in the chaos

At the moment life feels like a bit of a whirlwind. Nothing appears to be in it's right place and nothing appears to be going in the right direction. So while I am now very much looking forward to having everything neatly in it's boxes. For the moment I have to be content with chaos.
There has been a point of concern for me in all of this recently. How do I find the peace in the middle of the tornado around me. I find that I am not finding the time to stop, reflect and pray  until the end of the day and as I say the prayers I should have said earlier in the day I find my mind falling asleep or drifting on to some other point of interest. In short my brain has had enough of this thinking business and would quite like to sleep.  I on the other hand would quite like to force it to pray. I lose more often than not. I have been known to fall asleep Rosary in hand and I am sure I will again. However it strikes me this is not quite the pattern of life I had built up in my life up to this point. It has shocked me quite how easily I have struck aside, what had been so important to me only a few weeks ago. Indeed it still is highly important to me, but has become one of those un-timetabled events that I think I will do later but never ever seem to get round to.  When I have a cause to time table it in, I come to the realization that it really does make a difference.
Those of you who have read the more recent posts I have put up, will be all to aware of the book that I am reading at the moment. It is about the different ways in which one can engage with one's spirituality. Encouraging people to see prayer as a form of thinking, or discerning. In the moments when we stop still, in particular in such moments when we are in front of the Sacrament, we come into contact with Christ. In these moments, if we use them to discern or think about this contact, we can begin to see how we can see God outside the walls of our Church. In discerning a little further we can begin to see how we can reflect that image in ourselves to others. In short how we can go forward and serve.
At the moment the going forward bit seems to be going forward with or without me. I am making myself busy by preoccupying myself with every single detail because I am afraid of the bigger picture. Hiding my head in the sand is something I excel at, however I am learning (more quickly than I would like) that confronting what I am hiding from gives me a far better sense of peace than hiding it. I suppose this is why I also find it easy to say I will pray another time. It means I do not have to think constructively about that from which I am hiding. Sometimes I need a little nudge in the right direction, some times I get it, usually in not such a subtle way either. I guess someone knows I need the sledge hammer approach. Well inside a week I have had two of these moments both of which were reminding me how important this space and time spent in prayer are. Maybe I really should start to listen........

My nonsense meanderings, sandwiched between two bits of sense.

"To lay one's life before God in prayer is already to have faith that in spite of its failures and inconsistencies, in spite of its seeming absurdities and trivialities, it can become a meaningful contribution to God's universe" 

 John Macquarrie (Paths in Spirituality)

Many of you reading this will know that for many different reasons, I have experienced many different expressions of Christianity. All of them though have one thing in common prayer. That has been my cornerstone through all of my life's absurdities and trivialities. A point in which I have reached a seeming point of no return. I am standing on a cliff edge and I really have no idea what is going to be at the bottom when I jump.
On Ascension day last week, I attended Mass and found my self listening to a sermon about Jesus moving up in the world. In the Ascension, he was of course changing his expression of his ministry and in a sense getting a promotion. I had a sledge hammer on the head moment. We are (to take a slightly more literal interpretation than was intended) moving up the country in order to change the way in which we serve Jesus. The ground was instantly swept from under my feet. Here I was sitting quite comfortably in this lovely place in Oxford, and the concept that I was probably sitting there for one of the last times, if not the last time hit me. My head started to swirl with all the things I wanted to do but hadn't, the places I wanted to go back to and the friends made I did not want to leave. Entirely selfish desires.
Going to receive, the words "Father I commend unto you my Spirit" popped up in my thoughts and with them came the knowledge that no matter how much I might fight it, I am going to have to move on wards and quite literally upwards. I discerned in the following moments of quiet prayer, that despite the unknown quantities still involved,  I have a hope that what we are doing can become a meaningful contribution to God's universe. With that knowledge it some how became something I felt I could do.
 Contact me in a few months time and I will probably have found something new to agonize about, that is after all my nature. However, also part of my nature is that instinct towards prayer. So for as many things I can find to get anxious about, I can also find the faith to get through it.

"To have faith is to meet the world with the conviction that in spite of all its ambiguities and its downright evils, there can be discerned in it the reality of love and a ground of hope."

John Macquarrie (Paths in Spirituality)

Packing our lives into Boxes.

 

I have lost track of how many times we have moved now. Sometimes we have gone just down the road at other times we have traveled half the country. It never ceases to amaze me each time though, how much we have acquired. Whether we leave after six months or three years we seem to have accumulated more than is generally needed. So comes the routine of cleansing our lives of what is no longer required. Clothes and toys grown out of get passed on or charity shoppped, along with books that are no longer read. Broken things get re-purposed or thrown out and the enormous pile of magazines each child accumulates over time is sneakily taken to the recycling, hopefully without them ever noticing. Then what is left is packed into boxes of varying shapes and sizes and for about forty eight hours our lives are neatly packaged labelled and organised. Shortly after that the normal chaos ensues.

It is nice however briefly to feel totally in control. There is no mess, no confusion, and no burden. It all sits in it's boxes and I do not need to clean it or tidy it. There is a down side to it all of course. It is useless. In their boxes you can not touch them, read them, cook with them or play with them. It is all very easy to look at the boxes and know where everything is, but this is not the way it is meant to be. 

In some ways your realize how superfluous some of what you own is, other things you realize you are dependent on. Both of these always make me sad. The fact that I own things I do not need, shows me that I am as vulnerable to the consumerist society, as everyone else. I don't like looking in that particular mirror at all. Secondly that I am dependent on gadgets and products to manage, when many people round the world do not have food, let alone something nice to cook it in. 

I am continuously torn between wanting what is waved in front of my face,  the nice desirable things and not taking more from the world than is rightfully mine. I have attempted to make our lives as smaller  an impact on the world as possible, we tend to shop in Charity shops, get most of our furniture from freecycle or relatives and try to buy organic food. When we are finished with something it gets recycled at home or passed on. Still at times like this I can not help but reflect on how privileged I am to have access to these things. Therefore in a few weeks when we arrive at our new destination, and take a whole new path in this journey for God, I will be unpacking those things as quickly as possible. To make use of them. To leave them in the boxes, unused and unloved would make my possession of them even more futile. After all when they are out of boxes, people can come over for tea, cake and a small slice of conversation.

At the heart of it all....

It has been a long time since I sat at this keyboard to write, and much has happened in the intervening time. I have had various bugs that have been going round and just have not felt up to it. For this I apologize. It turned out, however, that my blood pressure had slowly been creeping up. In fact it was so high it was of the charts. So packed away with some tablets and general advice about de-stressing and lifestyle. I took the the tablets and cut down massively on the caffeine, and I (ironically) feel so very much more energetic.

Still all this got me thinking (again). It is amazing how this simple organ beating away inside me keeps me alive, despite all the disrespect I have given it and working far harder than it should ever have had to. It is still there, giving me a chance at life. When I paid a bit of attention to the signals it was giving me, it rewarded me with a new burst of life.

Behind the scenes in our lives is God, despite all we throw at him, he is there working far harder than he should have to. It is very easy to allow a growing malaise in our relationship with God. Bit by bit we can find excuses as to why we can not do this or that. Bit by bit the pressure on our lives builds up and bit by bit we neglect that all important relationship. He does not turn away from us and give up, no matter how far and how hard we push against him. As your life moves away from God increment by increment it is easy not to notice the affect it is having on our lives. Just as I had assumed that my lethargy was due to a virus rather than seeing that my neglect had resulted in my heart struggling to keep my head above water, we find something missing in our lives.  God is struggling very hard to keep us on the right path, even to the point that he has to carry us. When you start to pay attention to the relationship and correct the neglect, you instantly see the rewards in your life.

Working at living a Christian life is not always easy, but if we keep God at the heart of our lives there is a grounding of peace among all the chaos around us. It has been all to easy to get caught up in moving, organizing new schools, sorting out loose ends etc. I had let it all sit on top of me, rather than finding that time to find peace. A long way from now (I hope) even  my faithful heart will stop it's beats, but even then God will not let go. That I think is worth remembering. 

Journeys End (or "I have warm feet")

I promise this will be the last time I mention bare feet of any kind, especially mine. Before I tell you what has stuck with me over the last 40 days and especially the last week, I would like to say Thank You. Thank you to those who have donated money to change lives. Thank you to the people who promoted the cause, so more lives could be changed. Thank you to those of you who simply took the time to ask how my feet were or who prayed for me, it kept me going in the many times I wanted to stop. Because of all you wonderful people there is £541 going to Us.

My feet have survived relatively unscathed, I just have a purple toe. This was ironically acquired on the final few footsteps to Church this morning when I tripped over my daughter. Still it is a good fashion statement with the black soles of my feet.

Starting my journey on Palm Sunday and placing my shoes on after receiving my first Communion of Easter proved to be incredibly moving. Though at the end of it there are few physical injuries to show. There has been due to the cold physical discomfort and pain. There have been many injuries to my pride as well. I have spent a week walking on the dirt and detritus that society is protected from by shoes. Because of all these simple things, going to stand at the altar to receive Communion is intensely humbling. This morning bringing all of my vulnerability to the Altar, standing on holy ground with nothing between me and it, receiving and then returning to my seat and placing my shoes on brought me to tears. There is very simple suffering in what I have endured, enough to disconcert me but not enough to do damage and I can end it. Just like that. I felt so enormously privileged that I had the freedom to make that choice.

So many people suffer around me here and abroad. They have no choice in the matter and no easy solution. Walking bare foot has made me realize how incredible selfish and proud I am. These are not easy lessons to learn, especially when it so obviously laid out in front of you. It has made me realize how easily I will resort to finding the easier way, rather than struggling with the harder one. I am like all human beings weak. Yet despite these faults I have been asked "How my Feet are?" I never thought I would find those simple words so moving, but I can assure you, I can. Despite all my weaknesses, God and my friends still cared about me.

Today of all days, this day of joyous Resurrection highlights this. For if we had not fallen at the first hurdle in Eden there would have been no need for the sacrifice that was paid for us. Yet we were loved enough for God to sacrifice his son, and break the barriers of death to give us life eternal.

So all that remains, is for me to wish you all a very Happy Easter and give you one more very big Thank You.

(If you have not already donated but feel you would like to, please go to https://www.justgiving.com/Hannah-Phillips7 , thank you in advance)

In a body broken

A body broken in it's strength.
One body to heal the many.
Bloodied and broken,
Twisted and taunted.
A body that took the fury of evil,
To redeem the good in all.
Broken to be shared,
Humiliated to reclaim.
None of us, worthy of the gift we receive.


To kneel at the altar, is to be at the cross.
To kneel at the foot of death,
So we can receive life.
For you and for all,
The bread and body broken,
To wash away a flood of evil.
A cup of blood to redeem.
None of us, worthy of the gift we receive.

Earth and mountains shattered,
The sky released it's wrath,
As evil danced on the body broken.
Three days of darkness passed,
Then eternal light danced,
In the face of that sin.
None of us, worthy of the gift we receive.

See the body broken,
In the bread we break.
See the blood pour forth,
As the wine is poured.
Receive the precious gifts,
And dance in the light.
For in this sacrifice we become worthy,
So God's gift we may recieve.

The challenging journey begins....

Yesterday it was Palm Sunday, the mention of which brings images of blazing sunshine, palm leaves being thrown to the floor and Jesus on a donkey riding in in glory. Well guess what.....Not a glimpse of Sunshine here, just frost and snow. I have grown accustomed to the concept now, that taking on this challenge this year means that I am to suffer in the cold. This does somehow feel appropriate. Though yesterday we celebrated Jesus riding in as "King of the Jews", we must also remember that Jesus must have had mixed emotions. He knew his moment in glory was not to last. So as I processed into the Chapel with joy in my heart, the cold rising through my feet until they were numb was a gentle reminder that Jesus too must have had these conflicting emotions.

Holy Week is a journey through Christ's suffering. In our hearts and heads we must examine our lives and our motives. I have been learning very quickly how peoples attitudes change when you do something different. Being Britain everyone is too polite to do anything but questionably stare at you, as if you are slightly mad and need their pity. Others just give you a glare as if to say, do you not know better or you are not as good as us. No matter how hard we try, we find people who are different a challenge. We seek familiarity and hide in it. However breaking through the barriers and allowing people to see difference as something to be embraced is something as Christians we all have a responsibility to do.

Soon after Jesus rode in in his glory, people in the hierarchy saw his difference as a challenge to them. Instead of embracing his humility they fought it. They did not spare the time to understand him, instead they condemned him to death.  Every time we walk past the person in the street behaving slightly differently and judge them we are complicit in what happened to Jesus. Just as when we welcome in the stranger to our house, we are welcoming Jesus in too.

Walking barefoot has highlighted for me how judgemental I can be. It is easy to condemn others before you understand them. It is easy to look at me and say I am mad, poor or just plain stupid, when you do not know why I have bare feet. I am vulnerable and I seek to be understood. How many other people feel like that and do I do enough to listen?

As I have said before, this is all for a good cause (other than making me realise what I do wrong). I am raising money for Us. I am hoping that I can make a positive change to some lives. Please donate via my just giving page:-
http://www.justgiving.com/Hannah-Phillips7

A big thank you to everyone who has donated so far, a grand total of £351 has already been reached.

On being barefoot

Well Friday has come round again and the shoes and socks are off for Us. again. I know I have tried to keep you up to date on my barefoot escapades, but I missed last Friday. There was a good reason for this, I switched off my internet for the weekend as I went on a pilgrimage. I spent the whole weekend barefoot, as many pilgrims over the last 950 years have done. Though it has to be said that more recently most people visiting Walsingham just do the Holy Mile Barefoot.

So I packed the suitcase minus shoes, socks and slippers, in order to remove temptation. Got into the car and enjoyed the warmth of the heating. As we drove through Thetford forest, I began to feel slightly as if I was cheating, here I was barefoot and driving. In the past pilgrims would have had to have made the journey by foot or by horse. It has to be said that when we arrived in the late afternoon and I got out the car, any ideas that I was cheating were vanquished by the shot of pain as I realised how much colder it was there. 

Having settled in our rooms and thawed my feet slightly, we went out to walk round to the refectory. Keen to take in the still darkness of the gardens we took the long route round. The children raced ahead taking in the crosses and stations. I stepped out on to the gravel paths, on top of the cold, it felt like a hundred needles stabbing my feet all at once. I could see the brick path and the shorter route, but made the concious decision to walk the path already chosen, as I really did want to remind myself of the gardens. The brick path came soon enough, as did the warmth of the refectory and hot food.

The next day brought colder weather and the stations of the cross. Walking the stations barefoot encouraged me to see them in a whole new light. Yes, I was in pain and yes, there was so much temptation to give up and walk back inside. However, I did not. I was experiencing a small amount of pain walking this short pathway, sheltered from the rain by a canopy. I could not complain when listening to the story of one who experienced so much pain, in order that I might receive salvation. To turn back, somehow seemed the most selfish thing I could have done.

The afternoon I spent sat in my sons room , as he felt tired. The others went off and I sat in the window seat watching life pass, when the rain became thicker and eventually turned to slush and then snow. My heart sank. It appeared at that point that there was some kind of pattern developing, that when I was barefoot it was to be cold at best and snowing at worst. The blessing was the snow did not settle and the fact that the Shrine Church was heated. That evening I went to Mass with the everyone else. I was moved when receiving the Sacraments. Not wearing shoes in this country has been for many years a sign that you have no money and so has become stigmatised. Walking anywhere without shoes on tends to lead people to think you are either slightly crazy or have no money. You feel vulnerable and concious of people you do not know looking at you. To come and stand before the altar and receive, in this state of vulnerability was most humbling. 

The final day of the Pilgrimage was Mothering Sunday, here I have to confess to getting my husband to bring the car to the entrance when we left. It was with good reason though, the ground was colder still than the day before and it was snowing more heavily than before. Still before this I had walked through the village to Parish Mass and back again to the refectory for lunch. I do feel I let the side down by allowing myself off the small distance to the car park having already walked this far. I was also aware that should I continue to take my feet from the extremes of temperature I was, I would damage them. Then I would not be able to do Holy Week and so that was my excuse to ease the guilty nagging in my head.

So that was my longest experience of being Barefoot for Us. compared to that, today seems simple and SO much warmer. The sun is out and although one could not say it is even warm, it certainly is not as cold as last weekend. As I have just mentioned I am not doing this because I am poor (many have said I am crazy, they may well be right), I am doing this in the hope that I might be able to help improve some peoples lives. If you feel inclined to donate please do so through my just giving page 

http://www.justgiving.com/Hannah-Phillips7

For anyone wondering, the picture at the top was taken after walking my friends dog before I left on the pilgrimage on Friday morning.