Christus vincit:Christus regnat:Christus Imperat

This weekend has been a truly wonderful one. It is also one that flies in the face of the shock headlines that the newspapers have been all too delighted to throw at the Church. One of the services I have been to have been to was full to bursting and with a good base of young children to grow up in the faith.  Others have been well attended and again with a thriving and growing base of children. It is however true that at any stage in the Church's past, present or future, we are always a generation away from dying out. Should we fail to capture the imaginations of those younger than us, it would be the generation that would fail to carry us on.

I placed a C.S.Lewis quote on social media earlier in the week. It read "God doesn't want something from us. He simply wants us." It is a quote I have always been fond of, not just because he is one of my favorite writers but because it embodies quite simply the reason I came to have a faith. At a time when everyone else demanded things of me, some of the Nuns at my school did the opposite. Through their life and their interaction with me, they showed me a glimpse of what the love of God meant. A few years later I went on to work at our local YMCA with vulnerable young teenagers. Some were only vaguely vulnerable, others exceptionally so. However what struck me as shocking was not the cases of abuse, those I had expected. What I had not expected was the level of stress and depression and self harm that came about quite simply because these poor young people felt that everybody wanted something from them in order to give them love and appreciation. They came to us, to get free food, some chill time and more importantly an unconditional ear and time. 

We live in a society now, that requires 24 hours of conformity in order to be accepted. What we say and do has never been more scrutinized both on a personal level and on an organizational level. Everybody has their expectations and many are all to willing to tear apart whatever it is we do or say. We however as baptized members of Christ's church have a duty to do the opposite.  Christ came to love us warts and all and it is our mission to do the same to everyone we meet. Here is where my quote from CS Lewis comes into play, as a missional tool for the Church. At a time when I was lost and vulnerable, it was acts of kindness, inclusion and an introduction to the Catholic Faith that has given me a lifelong Faith. If we were to go out of our buildings or bring people in and show them this unconditional love, how many more people could we bring flooding through our gates.

I am a great believer in incarnational ministry not just for our Priests but as a duty for all Christians.
However the image of the CofE has been blighted by our many internal arguements. We are not seen as loving and tolerant, but instead judgemental and incapable of loving each other let alone those outside our enclave.

Hopefully in the new budding trust that is developing, a new stronger and tolerant Church will blossom. It would be so much better if we were all able to work together, for in loving one another we can go out and love the world.

At this point there is another CS Lewis quote that seems appropriate


The life of Christ was not a comfortable one, therefore if we are to live a truly incarnational life, ours can not be either. But we should not let that stand in our way. For the love of Christ our King will reign over all.

Christus vincit:Christus regnat:Christus Imperat

The Butterfly at the Window

For many weeks now, as I have sat in Church there has been a butterfly persistently trying to escape through the glass window. The delicate creatures frittering and fluttering is so vigorous it can often be heard over whoever is preaching. I can only imagine it lives everyday like this, repeatedly banging it's tiny head against a window, risking damaging it's fragile body in a desperate attempt to reach the world it really desires whilst this invisible barricade stands in it's way. How it has lived so long I do not know, I can only assume it feeds of the flowers and has some exceptional will power to reach the other side of the glass. Still I expect as the weather cools, it will eventually cease to be there one Sunday morning.

We all stand on a precipice between the worlds we long to live in and the one we actually live in. For some of us we dream of many different scenarios, for example the  peaceful equal world which morally we should want  and the world we really want where we own and have everything we could possibly want. For the few true saints that walk among us those two worlds merge and more often than not they are the living example of what they desire.

For the rest of us life is not so simple. Most of us live in an entirely comfortable situation, it is hard to sacrifice what makes us feel safe. We know that in reality we have more than we possibly need, yet we desire more and have the capability  usually to get it. As we move towards Advent most of the country starts preparing for Christmas. I read in one paper yesterday about how we are in the 49 hours of preparation for the Christmas party look (new clothes, hair and make up). In the same paper was a statement from the Archbishop of Canterbury about how we should step away from materialism and give "LOVE" for Christmas. As a nation we apparently spent an average of £1,000 on Christmas last year. We put so much pressure on ourselves to produce a perfect event, that very often that is the very reason we do not. Many years ago now, I stepped out of the rat race. Preferring to give where I can homemade gifts and cards. I also stopped competing when it came to kids parties, we have for sometime now had a couple of friends, a film and pizza. By taking out the pressure we all have a bigger gift of "LOVE". Those who are there, want to be and it is a happy place. By giving homemade presents, you may not have spent big money but you have spent your time and in turn giving that "LOVE" again. My children love mucking in at the end of every term to make something for their teachers, it shows they are genuinely grateful for all the teachers time and effort by giving the same back in return. And truly when we already have it all, do we really need more of the big things?

I confess though that I am not immune to consumerism, I love pretty items and lovely clothes. I walk into shops and want everything in front of me, just like everyone else. However though I am still prone to window shopping, I try to buy second hand in the main. This final move happened after my Barefoot walk last Lent. Not only do I then end up with the pretty things I want, when I need them, but by going to a Charity shop I am giving something back to someone else that needs it and lowering my impact on the environment. The children to, love rifling through Charity shops. Though it has to be said, when it comes to Christmas they do get some new presents, but not the hundreds of pounds worth other parents seem to buy. But if I can get what they have asked for second hand, they never complain and don't really seem to notice. Life is simpler this way. I have long since given up on the desire to try and compete and as such I am more relaxed. As for spending 49 hours deciding what to wear for the Christmas do, I do not own make up, my hair can come out of it's hairband and I have a dress already. There are better things to spend my time on, so I am off to make some more chutney. But remember as you turn your thoughts towards Advent and then Christmas, that Advent is not about counting days with chocolates so you can receive even more stuff for yourself. It is a time for looking at yourself and what you can do in order to make yourself worthy of that gift as it comes down from heaven. The greatest gift anyone can ever receive, came down to the humblest of houses and the humblest of parents. Peace, Love and Joy can not be found in acquisitions, but they can be found in each other.

"Man can not live by bread alone."

"Man can not live by bread alone", is a phrase I have heard over and over again through my life. I am always tempted to say "Maybe not, but I will give it jolly good try." I love bread. From the very first moment of mixing yeast with water and that beery aroma develops, through kneading it, to watching it erupt into it's finished self in the oven. When it emerges hot and steaming filling my kitchen with that lovely fresh bread smell, it is irresistible. It is to me a temptation too far. As much as I know bread is best left for at least an hour. It is broken and spread with butter that melts the instant it touches the bread. My teeth then crunch through that gloriously thick crust. It is a pleasure that I am unable to leave sitting there and maybe shows how bad my will power really is.

Bread does therefore play a huge part in my life, whether it is baking it, shopping for it (as above) or eating it. It is part of every corner of my life, it is even a central part of my faith.  When we started college I attended a coffee group on Friday mornings. It was customary to come up with some kind of activity that demonstrates what our faith means to us. We spent many mornings doing crafty things. I was challenged for a few days when it came to my turn as to how I could demonstrate the importance of the Eucharist in my life. It came to me one morning that we could bake and break bread. 

We gathered together and I spread the dough equally between us, making sure those who were absent also had some bread dough to be shaped by us as well. How we shaped our piece of dough was up to each us. We placed them next to each other on the tray and left them to prove and bake. While the bread was doing it's work, we said morning prayer and I explained the purpose of the bread in relation to me and my faith. To me baking bread like this, is like coming to Church (and indeed like going to college) . You start of as individuals, you join together as a community, grow and break away to share what you have learnt in the time together. In sharing the bread we are sharing a meal (a small meal but a meal none the less). This means dividing between us all something that gives us life and in doing so it also gives us fellowship. The Eucharist does this as well. We come together to share our spiritual meal, and essential part of our developing faith and discipline as Christians. We come to share Christ between us all and then take him out into our separate lives. 

I try to attend Mass as often as I can, but by no means as often as I would like. I find that when I do not I get impatient and struggle with what life throws at me. Spending time in prayer and most especially at Mass gives me the space to sort out things in my head, share what I need to with Christ and receive his forgiveness and carry away his blessing.

So while we may not be able to live by bread alone, it forms an essential base on which so many parts of our lives can be grown. So next time you break bread and share it, think of all the different meanings it has in your life. Most of all remember that as you share this bread, a man once broke bread as a symbol of his body which he broke for us. 

"Who, in the same night he was betrayed, took bread and gave you thanks; he broke it, gave it to his disciples, saying: Take, eat; this is my body which is given for you; Do this in remembrance of me."

Barefoot Camping

I know I have been incredibly bad at keeping this up over the Summer. It would appear that having all three children at home takes up all your time. We have had some fun over the holidays with face painting, CBBC live in Leeds, swimming and camping. All in all in very busy holiday, culminating in today which is the first day I have had since we moved with all the children at school. Silence.... sometimes I relish it, other times I want nothing more than the house to be filled with noise again. Though it has led to a fairly productive day.

Back to the holidays. We have latterly been off on our travels, this means three things Churches, walks and Camping.We have been on a bit of a road trip this time taking in Luxembourg, Trier,Metz and Amiens among other delights. We have squeezed our way through rocks, climbed up and down river banks and seen beautiful and awesome Holy places. I feel privileged once again to be able to experience these wonderful things. I must stress that I have not been doing all this barefoot, my insanity radar is not quite that high. The barefoot bit refers to those night time dashes to the facility block with a certain little (well not quite so little) five year old. For these there is no time to put on shoes, even is I had wanted to. So in the freezing cold mud we dash through the gauntlet of rain at least once every night. Part of me enjoys these night sojourns, as much to my daughters amusement I use the time to point out all the fantastic wildlife that makes it into this light filled arena. This year we had a multitude of moths, a frog or two and the inevitable Daddy Long legs to amuse us. Yet there is a down side to the local wildlife bit, because pray as hard as I might, it does not seem to be appreciated by anyone that my need to be separated from the local eight legged wildlife is essential for everyone's sanity.
I like getting back to the simple things in life for a while. It is nice not to have all the faff of modern life to contend with. It also reminds me as the night draws in and the temperature drops that there are many people who do not even have the protection of canvas over their heads at night. It brings a whole new level of appreciation for what they go through. As I pull the blanket up over me, light the gas stove and drink my warm cocoa and I am still freezing cold and grumpy about the noise of the rain on the tent. Yet even in what I might call a small level of hardship I am so much better off than many. Puts it all in to perspective when you start thinking of carpets, heating and a warm bed (all of which I now very gratefully have back). No matter how grumpy I am feeling about the situation these tendencies to realize the privileges I have does mean I am inclined towards making the best of every situation I am placed in. After all had I not put up with the hardships I would not have seen the awesome space at Metz, the gorgeous Gothic Grandeur at Amiens and the colourful calming space at Trier.
It has to be said that after the last three soggy and grey days of the holiday, I was all to pleased to be pulling into the valleys of Yorkshire. As we drove through the sun was shining gloriously and inside the car you could ignore the cold and pretend that it was a warming Summers day. It felt truly like I was coming home. Somehow spending a short time away has made Ilkley home, more than ever.
So many adventures and blessing had and left to be had, for this I am more than grateful.

Building life's Castles

As I sit here writing there are two small people attempting to build a castle with the left over removal boxes. Clearly the vast expanse of house available to them is to much, they require a smaller and more basic design. Four walls, preferably collapsible, easy to transport and the ability to set up home near someone they care about so they can share life's ups and downs.
It has occurred to me whilst watching this, that this would have been amazingly convenient over the last few years. If I could have folded my house and all it's belongings into the back of the car, maybe squeezing in a few relatives at the same time, moving would have been much easier and life much simpler.
I spend a great deal of my life desiring something better than what I have. I am not in anyway proud of this, but I still find myself doing it. What has become apparent in the process of acquiring things, is though on the surface things become simpler, what is actually happening is life gets more complicated. We constantly hear reverberating around various parts of our lives conversations such as:-
If we both work, we will afford it all
If I buy this, life will be better
If I do this, all life's problems will be solved
If I lose weight/wear make up/dress in the latest fashions, everyone will like me
All these things bring complications into our lives and very rarely bring the Utopia we think they will. It is all very much a symptom of the great secular revolution, this concept that all can be solved by shallow and soul less changes to our lives.
As I have been sat here, the two small people next door have gone from arguing over boxes, space and pens, to co-operating and building a shared space. Taking the simpler concept into an even simpler concept of we have a little let us share what we have. The more we acquire, the more we want, the more possessive we become and the less we become inclined to share. We become empty and lonely. It is a true, a rich man is only rich because he keeps the money that makes him so.
On my chalkboard in the kitchen I have quoted Sylvia Plath "I desire the things that will destroy me in the end". It is a useful reminder, that ultimatly what we desire is often what corrupts us the most. However when we find the simplicity of space, time and peace, that moment when we encounter God. If we stop and listen we find the emptiness is where we find contentment. A singular search for happiness in what we possess, will always be an empty and fruitless one. If we search for the greater truths there is only one to be had and tranquility can be found.
 Yet again I fall short of this ideal, as do we all it is what makes us human. However I am hoping that watching my children build this simple house, having worked through their differences to find a common ground, that I will remember at least for a few days to prioritize the right things in life.

Polka Dots and Babies

Looking through our eyes, is kind of like looking through a magnifying glass, the world is distorted by the way we see it. All sorts of factors cause this distortion, our parents, our peer groups, our faith or perhaps our lack of it. For me many of these factors in my life have been conflicted, for the first 7 yrs of my life my mother was on her own and we lived on the bread line. She got married and I was catapulted into a world of middle class privilege and boarding school. I spent my early years growing up in the Salvation Army and the URC, then I went to a Catholic boarding school. I spent term times in towns and cities and my holidays in the Scottish countryside. Who I am is a polka dot mix of these, there is a blanket colour background, with dots of vehemently held and defended identity. This very much colours how I see the world.

Having moved to what I am reliably informed is "God's own Country" , I can see why it has earned this name. In the Sunshine you can see for miles the undulating English Countryside in all it's pride and glory. Your are surrounded by a truly awesome beauty and with it's jagged crags and distinct flora you also get a sense of the strength and power of God and his creation. You are surrounded by everything and yet can be perfectly still and at peace. You can feel in touch with God whether you are despairing or elated. There is countryside here to reflect it all and allow you to pause and discern where your faith may be headed.  

I find it very hard not to be inspired by these simple things, not least by the tenacity of our local sheep to escape the Moor in order to reek havoc in the town. What I can not ever ceased to be inspired by is the birth of a child. Each one is a miracle and you only have to ask my husband to know that I do not relax until I know each one I know of being born is safely delivered. I love the hope of new life and what it will bring, however I am also more than a little bit aware of how fragile life is. Here is where the miracle of God's gift of creation is most evident. Something so strong and so fragile, given to us in his image. What we do with this awesome gift in the next few years will affect  the way that fragile life force grows and behaves, how it will see the world and in turn how it will interact. This is our responsibility as parents, god parents and as Christians. From the moment you meet a child for the first time, it will log record and rein-act the way you behave. This is how we learn to be human. 

We have a wonderful new gift of life in this country. He is a focus of celebration and joy for many in this country. He is not just any baby boy, he will be our future Monarch and also the future Head of our Church. In a time when we are still in an uncertain economic situation, he represents a positive future in which we can all grow. There are many things that are broken in society now, maybe we can work towards resolving some of them by the time he has grown up. Let us hope that the influence from the citizens of Great Britain will be be a positive one on this tiny baby and his parents. So congratulations to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and to all others who received the gift of life yesterday, may God walk with you all on this journey.

  

Issues of Trust

Walking into a Parish that you have seen once for about an hour and a half about 9 months before you arrive required a certain amount of trust and faith. In doing so, I placed faith and trust in God and the judgement of my husband. Fortunately, I was entirely right to do so. I have a fantastic home, in a beautiful Parish full of wonderful people. However as you are aware I had many moments of vulnerability in the run up to arriving. I was constantly reminded of a moment in Doctor Who when Donna is in a Taxi with an alien and the Doctor has the Tardis flying alongside, he holds out his hand to grab her......
That gaping moment between hope and despair when grabbing on and having faith in the option available to you. When the person there says "Do you trust me?", you have to trust in the unknown and with a willingness to accept that it could all go drastically wrong. Sometimes we trust, instantly and with few questions. When we submit ourselves and our lives to God in Confirmation we are despite the lack of physical reality placing trust in him. At the point of Baptism our parents did the same, they trusted God to be with you and care for you. When you arrive at the point in your life to receive the sacraments of Confession and in turn the Eucharist you place trust in him to love and forgive you no matter what you have done. When you reach the point of committing to another in the Sacrament of marriage, we are trusting both God to hold us and our partner in life to keep the vows we make before God. These are just a few moments when we commit our trust to God and to others. While we are willing to place trust in God with the faith that he will hold us, we seem to expect more of our mortal companions. We expect them to earn our trust. It is a far more fragile form of trust, that is broken easily and hard to rebuild.
Trust is a hard concept, it leaves us vulnerable and open to pain. If it did not it would not be so valuable. There are many issues within the Anglican Church at the moment that require trust, however there has been a wall built between us all. The wall is fear, the bricks of fear and misunderstanding have built a wall that must be brought down brick by brick.
I do however have moments when I get so frustrated by everybody's (including my own) lack of ability to leave ourselves open to the wounds of Christ. We should be willing to leave ourselves open to the possibility that things might go wrong,but that in the midst of the chaos God will hold out his hand and say "Do you trust me?" It is not that easy though, we all carry our scars, identities and vulnerabilities. We bring together many traditions and theological points of view, all of whom have been hurt and feel betrayed. However I am increasingly coming to the opinion that no matter how much we try and protect the interests of all parties concerned, we can not do so by law. The only way we can make this work is, if we tear the wall down between us. Hold out our hands to each other and say "Do you trust me?"
The only way we can earn trust, is if we leave ourselves open to being wounded. If we wrap ourselves up in cotton wool, it not only shows how little faith we have in other Christians but also how little trust we have in God. I truly believe that the theological ideals I live by, is what God has set out before us as a model for life. It is much a part of who I am and how I live my life as my faith in God. If this is true, should I not be prepared to stand and trust that I will be safe if I risk a little of who I am. When we turn to God we give our whole life, we should be prepared to walk away from all we have and turn to him, to trust him. I have twice now walked away from comfortable lives, one a very comfortable middle class one and the other a place surrounded by people who shared my beliefs. This makes living the life you want to lead very easy. To live unchallenged is to live without strength, not to trust is not to grow in faith. Where would we be if Jesus had not entrusted his entire life to the hands of his Father? Maybe we should be prepared to do so too.