Called to prayer

Sitting in the sunshine in the hammock the other day watching the many clouds float by, swinging gently back and forth. The background noise of city life hanging in the air but not imposing itself in my space. The sounds of bird song dominated and I just felt an enormous wave of gratitude and grace. It was just one of those moments when I was immensely thankful for the many blessings we have received in this life. It occurred to me, that I was most grateful for the relative silence and solitude.
  For me, as a clergy spouse, Church is very rarely a private encounter with God. It is hard to concentrate on building a relationship, when you have a thousand and one things on your mind, when people want to talk and when you are aware that everyone has a point of view on how you as a family chose to worship and sometimes even just how you live. The last few weeks have been very private encounters with Christ, both at Mass and as I have lived my life. There has been time, space, peace and quiet to allow my relationship build up again. I had not realised quite how distracted I had been by the mechanics of Parish life, how far my focus had drifted.
  But swinging in that hammock, seeing a glimmer of a rainbow forming on it's edge, I was reminded of God's promise and became aware with quite a jolt of how much closer I have got to God in this period of time. It feels very much like I have been called to prayer in the silence, the space, the gaps. It feels like a breath of fresh air in my lungs and I have been able to spend my time learning, re-reading and praying. The consequence being that I have developed and reaffirmed my faith, found the ability again to just place my life at his feet and to discern the direction I should be taking in my relationship with Christ. It really is in the silence and stillness that we hear the most.

Shocking News

The last few weeks, are weeks that I never thought I would ever have to live through. I never imagined that our little family would be the one to go through trauma. You always expect these events to happen to someone else, but it has nevertheless been traumatic. It didn't feel so at first, I was getting up, getting through the day, surviving. We all were. But it soon became apparent that auto pilot only got us so far. We were gradually slipping, falling into shock. We were tired, emotional and though we were still surviving it was all we were doing. We did not see it coming, we did not think it would be us.

The diagnosis of a spinal tumor in my husband was upsetting enough. The journey to surgery a fairly simple one, however to watch a seemingly healthy mobile person, reduced to being immobile not just once but twice is agonizing. However both times there were complications, distressing times and heartbreaking times. As a family our coping mechanisms began to fracture. We are a close family, we have no secrets from each other. We talk everyday, we share meals together and spend most of our time enjoying each others company, as well as inviting people in to share in our family life. Inspite of this, it all proved a little to much to do alone. 

When we all started to fall apart, due to exhaustion and shock, a cloud of prayer lifted us, friends old and new supported us in so many ways. I was actually genuinely amazed by how much love there was surrounding us. For four long weeks people visited and we sat as a family round my husbands bedside. Though there were many tears along the way, surrounding this little bed there was also laughter and love. We saw some stay longer than us and many come and go but no one had the level of family and friends around their side as we did. We were enormously humbled and grateful. You could genuinely feel the Holy Spirit at work. 

It is safe to say that though are kids are wonderfully stoic in many ways and their faith also carries them far. However, I was fraying around the edges, it is hardly surprising that they started to need extra help to. This is where the fantastic Place2Be team picked up the pieces. Place2Be have been a fantastic support not only to my children but also to me. I had massively underestimated the impact the illness would have on us all, the lack of sleep, the constant travelling, exams, emotional upheaval and family stresses. School made the recommended referral to help us cope with the shellshock of the events as they happened. If it had been hard enough to accept support of  friends when I needed it, this was a whole new hurdle. But the story of the man on the roof during a flood, asking God why he did not help came to mind. I felt very much overwhelmed at this point and it is only now with time and space that I appreciate how overwhelmed I felt. Pulled in so many directions, with so many people needing so much. Place2Be helped me carry the kids through, one of them in particular. If it had not been for the organisation being in school to give my child the time and space to voice their fears and anxieties at a time they did not want to burden me with more, I am not sure where we would be. The counsellor kept in close contact with me to and helped me talk through things too. Often helping me to realise that actually sometimes we all need help. It is very much true that  God knew just when to place help in our paths in so many ways and with so many people. 

I am so enormously grateful to everyone for pulling together and being there for us, from the tiniest prayers to weekends given up. I can not sing the praises of Place2Be enough, they do such fantastic work with children in our school system and I am thrilled to see child mental health being taken so much more seriously than when I was at school.

More than that I have definitely come away with a reaffirmed faith, there has been no doubt as to why I only had one set of footprints during those few weeks. I was not alone, I was very much carried by my faith and the Holy Spirit. It has taken me a while to process, a few days to realise the extent of the impact on our lives. It feels a bit like when I looked back at the first year of all my children's lives, going how did I get here. I am asking the same now, how did I get here? Bur get here we did, we survived. Undoubtedly it is because I had a great faith, fantastic children, help from unexpected places and amazing friends. But now the healing process must continue for us all, as we watch, help and guide my husband through his recovery.

I just want to say thank you to you all. Each and everyone of you. 

Thanks be to God for healing, friendship and faith.