I believe in order to understand

"I yearn to understand some measure of your truth, which my heart believes and loves. For I do not understand in order to believe, but I believe in order to understand"

Anselm of Canterbury

I have heard many times at debates over when a child should first receive Communion, "But they are not ready, they do not understand". It is true many children may not understand, but how many of us can say  as adults we truly understand the mysteries of the Eucharist. A child in their innocence will believe whole heartedly in the sacrament. Just as Anselm said in the quote above, they believe in order that in the fullness of time they might understand. If only as adults we could quite so freely say "I believe" and mean it without any second thoughts.

One of the main differences between the East and the West churches, is that over the centuries the West has developed it's theologies through philosophy and the East through tradition and ritual. One seeks to find the answers by finding meaning through applying modern thoughts, the other through finding meaning in what it already believes. There are benefits and flaws to them both and has lead to two very different styles of Church with the same teaching at the centre.

One way or another we will seek to answer our questions as we get older. The ability to just simply accept what is, diminishes with more we learn. There is a caution in the Bible about this though, Eve sought more than she should. We can take the analysis of our Faith too far. We can seek to impose our own desires on God's words. We can make the teachings of Faith fit into our lives, rather than our lives fit into the teachings of our faith. Put another way, we seek to apply our understanding in order to believe, rather than believe to understand. 

Faith is a powerful and emotive subject. For us all it means something different, mainly because we are all different. It does at times seem remarkable that we can all agree on anything at all. However we do all have a creed on which we do all agree. It starts with those magic words "I believe". 

They really are fantastic words, at many points in our journey we say "I believe", in God, in Jesus, in the teachings of my Church.  Do we really honestly mean "I believe" or do we mean "I believe in God so far as this is what I would like my faith to mean" Tomorrow maybe we could try waking up and saying take the "understanding" and the "me" out and replacing it simply with "I believe". Take each encounter of the day in this frame of mind. So that when we meet the challenges of life, instead of thinking what is the minimum of what we can do within the realms of my faith, let us do the most our faith demands of us. We do not need to understand why, that will come with time. We do need to believe that is the right thing to do. If we believe with our whole hearts, then others will see Jesus in our hearts and in our lives and maybe just maybe take him out into theirs.

How do I know God is real, Mummy?

At my daughter's bedtime the other night, she turned and asked me "How do we know God is real?"
I had to answer "We don't". I can not prove to her he is there, I can not show her he is there. There was no other answer to give. I went on though "That is why we have faith. Faith means we believe in something even though we can not prove it. That is why it is such a special relationship." She went on,  "How then do I know he is there?" .
"You do not know he is there, you believe he is there. You trust that he is there. That he is always there. He never leaves you, never changes, he just is."

I treasure these moments with my children. They are moments among the chaos that is my family life that remind me just how special our children are. They look to us to show them the way, but more importantly than anything else they trust us to show them the way. Trust comes so easily to a child, from the moment of birth they trust and depend on you to do all that they need. They grow up and slowly the cycle changes and they start to become the leaders and others start to trust in them. Sometimes along the line through this cycle of trust, is sometimes damaged. Trust becomes something we only give upon evidence that it will be upheld. We lose the innocence of unconditional trust. It is true that along our lives we receive bumps and bruises, the unconditional part of us becomes reticent, not just in trusting, but in love, hope and faith too. For example it is becoming more common for people to draw up a set of pre-nuptial agreements. Not only pre-empting the ending of this love, but also showing how little we have learned to trust. A relationship that should be based on love, trust and hope in the future, has already on paper ended all of those in advance.

Why do we become so cynical as we grow up? Why do we find it harder to accept what can not be written in black and white. When we become cynical, we become defensive, try to shut out all that might just hurt us. In doing so we shut out life.

Faith in God is a huge leap by modern faith standards. So little black and white proof and so much of it based on the fantastical and divine. If one can not totally trust the human standing opposite them ready to dedicate their lives to them, how can we expect them to believe that God is real. The task of convincing them that God is real, that faith and the Church are good things are hampered like much else by the Churches unreliability. The Church like, most other things is run by humans. Humans make mistakes, in doing so they damage the trust that is given to them. But the Church is still here because God's message is greater and better than us.

Finding faith, is hard. When you have a faith it is often because you have dug very deep inside yourself to find the confidence to take a leap. Yes the jump is a long way down, yes we may get hurt along the way but we decide to give it a good go. To find it we have to spend time listening to God's words, listening to God's actions in the world, spending time in the presence of the sacraments, spending time in prayer and discerning our own path through what is set out in front of us.

To have a faith centred life, we must have a God centred life. To find a way to a God centred life, we must have a prayer centred life. It is hard to fit it in, for many years prayer for me was grabbed in thoughts, wishes and thanks sent up to God as I tried to make sense of three small children. Now they are not so small and I have more time. My prayer life has more structure and I have more time to discern what is ahead of me. The one thing I do know though is if you have a faith in God, you learn how to trust again and when you learn how to trust, you have hope for the future both in our earthly lifetime and beyond.

Just one of those special places.

Walking in through the gateway, down the tree lined avenue, my breath was taken away. The sun shining down through the abbey ruins onto crowds of people, all here for the same reason as I.

Walsingham Shrine has been a place I have intermittently visited since I was eight years old. Sometimes regularly, sometimes with years in between. As a place it  has never ceased to be a place I have felt welcome in. It has always something new to reveal and yet retains a reassuring peaceful atmosphere every single time.

 Yesterday was however my first visit to the abbey and also my first attendance at the National Pilgrimage. 

On arrival this quiet little village in Norfolk was bustling and busy. The streets were awash with a sea of colours, as Bishops, Priests, Deacons, people of the religious life and laity alike flooded in from all directions. The atmosphere was full to bursting with a joyful welcome and anticipation. We were there early and wandered the streets and shops, then as my other half went of to take his part in the proceedings the children and I walked into the abbey grounds.  Walking down the avenue darkened by the trees, into the sunbathed grounds of the ruins. People everywhere finding their spot for Mass and the numbers just kept growing. In the shade on periphery of the grounds I spotted a friend from college. The children already hyped up with excitement at being in Walsingham went into hyper drive at this point. Still the people amassed. Then the noise quietened and round the corner came the procession. A moving sight to see, especially as the image of Our lady turned the corner and at the front carrying this honoured cargo was my husband and our friend. I must confess at this moment to allowing myself to indulge in a small bout of  pride in my husband. But this was soon replaced by one of those overwhelming moments when it strikes you that you are part of a wider history.

Here I was witnessing something I had only seen and described in the books I have read. It struck me how small a part we are in history, yet here in this point in time we are part of history itself. Not just an insignificant little ant, but part of the heartbeat of existence. We are connecting in this one moment the history, the present and the future. A truly humbling moment.

The day went on, with a beautiful Mass, a picnic lunch, a procession, culminating in Benediction. The beauty and peace of the Catholic liturgy was as it's very best, and the presence of Christ felt so clearly and by so many. 

A day of celebration of Our Lady, through whose maternal intercession for us we can come closer to her son Our Lord. A day filled with friendship, both old and new. A day in which we encountered love, hope and faith through prayer and worship. Drawing to a close in the presence of Christ himself, both humbled and inspired by his blessing. So that though exhausted by the proceedings of a long day, we left refreshed and renewed in our faith. 

Not long after leaving the overtired children slept and we had a long drive home. Having spent every bit of energy on the day we slept the longest we have all slept in years. Now the day after, we are looking back on a day that will stay with us for the rest of our lives. 

Walsingham is, I think, just one of those special places where you can not fail to find both Christ (embodied by the Priest's in their ministry and physically in the sacrament) and also the comfort of the intercession of his Mother. The the shrine chapel candles flicker and glow with the prayers of the people all year round. It is a rare place that is so filled with the overpowering sense of hope in the power of prayer. 

I very much hope that this is just one more of many journeys to this place of sanctuary and refreshment. To all who read this, no matter what your churchmanship is, please visit. You will not be disappointed, it is a place filled with the presence of God. It will humble and enrich you all in one breath.

Chasing Equality

A little while ago I wrote a post that finished with this quote  "That we are not called to self celebration or glorification, but that we are all called to a meek, humble, self-effacing and obedient service in the footsteps of Christ and his Blessed Mother Mary."  They are qualities that all Christians are called to follow, but one would hope it would be particularly true of it's clergy.

Yet I am disappointed to say that I have little evidence of this among the PR image about female clergy. We have in the space of a few weeks had a service which has glorified those women who have been ordained in the last 20 years. We have never had such a service for men, nor indeed for those women who, quite quietly work in the background in the service of Christ.  Now we have an announcement that Women Bishops (of which there currently are none, nor is the Church able to consecrate a woman as such yet) will be fast tracked into the House of Lords.

These events have troubled me deeply on many levels. First of all for many years now the rallying call of all liberal people has been "Equality for all" . It has always been at best a call for equality amongst liberals. However in the last few weeks, it has become quite clear that it is a call to trample on and eradicate the true meaning of the word equality. We have come full circle, except now rather than men dictating a patriarchal agenda, we have women dictating their matriarchal one.  There is of course that phrase "Absolute power corrupts absolutely". The current situation is an excellent example of this.

The second issue that troubles me is, the concept that just because they are women they have a right to promotion and episcopal power. My opinions on the theology and ecclesiology of ordaining women to priestly, let alone episcopal ministry aside. No one, not male, not female has a right to be to be ordained at all. It is something we search for in the process of discernment, something which is given as a gift from God. It is not something found in the desires for power and leadership, it is found in the search for meek, self effacing, humble obedience to God and the Church. No one should enter the Priesthood if they desire to be promoted, it is against everything their ministry should stand for.

My third and final problem is, the rules for entry into the House of Lords are their precisely because it makes the chance of being admitted and equal and fair process. They are also there to ensure the correct level of wisdom and experience gained from life in episcopal ministry, can be applied upon admission into the House. What is so super human and fantastic about women that they do not also need to gain this wisdom and experience before speaking on policies that have pastoral effects on all peoples in this country?

The desire to chase power in the name of equality is undignified and does much to undermine the purpose of feminism. It is no longer a quest for equality, but a quest to be best and suppress the rest.
I will leave you again with the thought, we are all called to a life of meek, self effacing and obedient life. One that allows us to walk in the footsteps of Christ and his Blessed Mother.

Constantly Changing.

The last year has been about finding our feet, in a new house, a new town and a whole new way of life.  I could not have asked for a more beautiful place to live. We only have to step out the door and we have the vast expanse of moorland. It's crags and undulations, have so many identities. You can see the change in their character, as the weather changes. Only a fool would (or maybe just someone who has not spent to much time reading novels) venture on to the moors in the dull foreboding mists. Yet the sunshine brings a whole new sense of freedom, and when you are up the top you feel like you can conquer the world. The same place, yet so many different ways of being seen. They are never the same and there is always something new to see.

We are born, we remain the same person, yet we change so much over time. I am hardly a baby faced little child any more. I like the moors have been weather beaten over time. I can not even claim to be the same as I was at the beginning of last year. 

It is hard then to imagine God. God is a constant, he does not change or evolve, neither something or nothing, he just is. Such consistency is an alien concept to us. We are continuously searching, moving and forming ourselves and others. What would it be like to stop, stand still and say right now I am the best I am ever going to be. It is different for us though, we are not God, we are not perfect. 

Even if I were to say, this is it, this is me. Life would keep happening to me and I would keep changing. It is a process which I am powerless to stop, but I can control the direction. 

 When we come to spend time with God we turn to a place that resembles him.When we enter into a Church, it is beautiful, quiet, unobtrusive and still. We are searching for a small break from the transient life we lead, we are searching for the consistency that gives our lives a rock on which to secure that life. In finding God, we find our foundation stone. Life can and will throw all it has at us, but we can find in our hearts that quiet still voice that guides us through. We find God, he is there through the changing weathers, the forming of civilisations and the creation of lives. He is, was and ever shall be.

I may not be the same next year to this, but I will still have my faith in God. Find time to find God, for amidst the wildest storms, tearing rains and darkest fogs, he will find you.

Crossing lines

"Furthermore, Father Neil," he said peering through the windscreen as if he were gazing at some impossibly hideous futuristic vision, "should the Church ever relax her discipline on celibacy, the whole pack of cards will come tumbling down. Even bishops will be found making exceptions in special cases to birth control and divorce. The good sisters, seeing the laxity of the clergy, will themselves leave their convents like flocks of migrating birds. And in the end, we will have Catholics advocating Euthanasia for babies born handicapped and for old people who are incurably ill or a burden on the community."

A Father before Christmas by Neil Boyd 

Now I am fully aware that this quote is not totally applicable to Anglicans but it is the sentiment of the quote I am looking at. When you change your level of tolerance for something previously considered sinful, where is the line drawn to say we can not go any further. The public relations machine of the CofE is less and less willing to speak out according to it's official teachings in controversial issues. The line keeps slipping further and further back, and seeing the lax attitude the Church is taking to moral issues those outside the Church take an even laxer attitude. We are meant to teach and lead in issues of morality, not proclaim that whatever you believe or want is alright with us. When we do not have a clear teaching, people do not see the need for the Church. 

 We are a broad Church, yes. We should be tolerant, yes. However when we are watching the attitude towards the sanctity of life disintegrate to the levels that abortions are seen as another form of birth control. Society has embraced our laxity on the issue of abortion so much that it has become acceptable to film it and say it is a positive thing to do so.  Euthanasia of adults has become acceptable and Belgium has even voted to allow children the same rights. Where does it stop, at what point do we stop and say we are ending lives more and more freely, this is murder.

It all started with accepting abortion, but the lines have slipped back and back. While I accept there are situations were it could possibly be argued that abortion or euthanasia are necessary. Our teaching should be that each and every life is valuable. We have no right to take a life at any stage. In the womb, as a child or as an adult. Every life is gift from God, a precious fragile gift from God. We should be looking to preserve each and every one. I know we can not go back to not having abortions and euthanasia, as some people will always find a way. We do, however, need to find away of making it less acceptable to take lives so freely.

We should also be looking to preserve the gift of the Church, by giving people a defined teaching. A clear identity of what  our faith means. That having a faith has responsibilities, it has it's rewards to, but we should be up holding our responsibilities. One of those responsibilities is to preserve the sanctity of life, if we do not do so the whole pack of cards will eventually come tumbling down.

Humble Pie?

May is the month in which our relationship with out Blessed Virgin is particularly highlighted. It is a time in which we can honour her in more particular and focussed manner. It is also a time in which we can look at the role model she gives us as a Mother to us and as a woman.
 As a country we used to be the most dedicated to venerating Our Blessed Mother, but this all fell by the wayside somewhat during the Reformation. Though I find it hard to see why you would not want to look to Mary for some guidance and insight into our Faith, not least because she is the Mother of Our Lord. Protestant theologians would say that beyond this relationship, she has no further worth than any other human being as she is not complicit in the decision. In other words it was all God's work, she had no choice. A more Catholic point of view would be that she had a choice and she chose to do God's work when asked. The relationship therefore becomes a deeper one, as she has chosen to take part in the Salvation narrative. For me she is indispensable and essential as part of the narrative.
Meek, humble, obedient and Self-effacing, these are the words used to describe Mary most often. They are also often used to demonstrate that women were outranked by men in those times. She did not embody these qualities out of choice but more because it was what was expected of her. Therefore demonstrating just how much men have manipulated women into submissiveness throughout the history of the Church. This argument over looks one crucial thing. Our Blessed Virgin did indeed embody all of these qualities, but so did her son, Our Lord. They are qualities that we are all called to follow as disciples of Christ. Far from undermining women they bring her onto a level pegging with all Christians. A second point I would like to make is, up until this point in history there had been Goddesses and Priestesses. They were however always closely linked to sexuality and fertility, when God looked in favour upon Our Blessed Virgin he removed all trace of her being worshipped, this is true. He also though gave her a dignity not afforded to previous female deities and Priestesses, he removed the sexual element completely. God embraced her as a human being, not as a sexual being. He embraced the qualities of what makes a woman, a woman.
I think far from undermining women, Our Blessed Virgin brings a quiet dignity to womankind and a role for them within the Church. It may not be as the Priest, but her role is just as valuable and indispensable. And without doubt a most dignified and empowering one in the context of her time. It is maybe something we should all reflect on a little bit more during May. That we are not called to self celebration or glorification, but that we are all called to a meek, humble, self -effacing and obedient service in the footsteps of Christ and his Blessed Mother Mary.