I Believe

The other day, I was discussing with a friend the new the new clergy wear at a Tat Fayre. One item it appeared was made out of a material that would distract so heavily from the clergy collar, you probably would not have noticed it. The question then popped into my mind, why bother spending all that time and energy forming yourself into a new person, going through an ontological change to hide it?
Society today encourages us to find ourselves, provide for ourselves, indulge ourselves and generally look after our own interests first (even if we all like to pretend we aren't doing this, we do). So after agonising and twisting and turning along your long path you come to face the hard realities of life. A dawning discernment of who you might be, what you might believe in and what you might want to do with that information. A hilltop has been climbed and you stop at the top of the hill and say from here on in it is only down that is easy.
The you look over the edge and realise, actually it might be a bit steep, a bit slippy with all that gravel, you might just fall on the way down.
The problem being that having been told to find out who you are, when you get there you find that someone or something will always tell you that what you are is wrong. That how you have chosen to live your life will not be what is the right way to live. Most fundamentally people will always tell you that what you have chosen to be your faith, that basic building block on which you build your being is wrong. Someone, somewhere will try and rip that from under you, so you fall.
So back to the top of your hill looking down. The journey does not seem so easy now even with all the knowledge you have gained. Do you hide who you are to fit in or do you take what you have discerned in your life and use it?
As we head towards Lent, that point at which we are all challenged to look at our lives. We must discern in this time our faults and our failings, we must look at turning towards that cross on the hill and how we can change our sins and sufferings into a living ministry of Christ Incarnate. We can all use this time to put ourselves at the top of the hill and  look temptation in the face. The way down may look scary, it maybe treacherous, but the soul searching that lead to our standing before Christ in the first place is all the strength we need to reach the bottom. We just need to have a little bit of Faith, that together with our Lord and his teachings we can find our way down. But temptation to hide or to change the fundamentals of who we are both as individuals and the Church is there all the time.
Sometimes I feel the world around me is a bit like the story of Adam and Eve, they have bitten into the fount of modern knowledge and revelation without really having the all encompassing wisdom that goes with it. So there we are here biting into our apples seemingly naked in our response with our very much short sighted action that comes with the knowledge we have gained. Our actions are shallow and superficial and in many ways we remain blind to the effect that such progress has given us. All these wonderful promises that we can fix the world if we do this based on this, if equalise everyone to be the same, if change what being a family means, if we change our doctrine. The trouble is the world isn't being fixed. the only truth that can ultimately change the world is loving each other, loving each other in our differences not trying to make the world all the same. There is no point having an identity in the first place. If all you are going to do is hide it to please the world.
Each and every day societies actions become more God like, their assertions of truths more concrete all leading to a life lived in the promise of equality and fairness. However all we are getting is a discordant noise of argument and division and far from equality you get a widening chasm of inequality. We already have the truths of life, we are born, and we die. The only thing that will make the difference in the middle is faith, love and toleration. This is not the same as change, we need to love those from whose opinion, maybe even lives, faith and doctrine are vastly different from ours. We do not however need to change the teachings and doctrines that we have to fit in.  They are the foundations of our Church. They are what we or our parents promised to adhere to at Baptism, they are what we promised to adhere to at Confirmation and they are what we promise on a weekly basis to do every Sunday in the Creed. I believe, that makes me who I am and therefore who I should be  and how I should live.

"Do not be ashamed to confess the faith of Christ crucified."

Christmas has been spent around Churches full to bursting with people, people who are happy with the language and liturgy we have. People who want us to see the poverty and act on it, see the suffering in society and help and see the community and grow it in Christ. We have yet again made ourselves a laughing stock among the public.They do not care in particular what language we use for our Baptism, those who are going to come, come already. With proper Baptism prep they can understand the promises they make without the need for change. This is a change for changes sake, because as a Church we are ashamed of who and what we are. We think we have an image problem, and we do. However trying to change our image by changing liturgy, arguing over internal politics and changing our teachings, does not improve our public profile. In fact, I think it has the reverse effect.

We lose respect because we have no clear teaching, no clear leadership, after all we even argue about how our Clergy should dress. Out there is a world waiting for the Incarnational Christ to touch their lives. We should be the ones taking him out and changing those lives. The teachings and traditions of our Church should evolve with the times, yes. However, change to suit the times, no. Take priority over mission and evangelism, no. It may mean we suffer for our views and opinions, but Christ suffered for us. But changing what is the only constants we have and what the unchurched look for in a Church means that our mission and evangelism are harmed not enhanced. When people are looking for help from the Church they look for a Priest in a black shirt and a white collar, a Church in their community and a Eucharist on a Sunday. These are the identity of the Church in society and consequentially what people look for in a time of need, that time when they are searching for Christ to touch their lives.

We need to learn not to be ashamed of what we are, stop in our tracks and take out Christs'

love in our lives and share it with those who do not have it. Time, friendship, charity , patience and presence. Take these and people will realize that finding God is about bringing love and hope to those that have none. When we have done this, they will come through our doors. They will then engage, learn and understand our liturgy, without the need to change who and what we are.

Today "Do not be ashamed to confess the faith of Christ Crucified", renounce sin and submit your lives to Christ. Live out the vows that were made at your Baptism and renewed at your Confirmation. Carry on the spirit of Christmastide for the rest of the year in living a life in the image of Christ incarnate.

Be Watchful, Be Ready!

This time last year we were waiting and preparing for lots of other events that happened alongside Christmas. There was a great sense of anticipation as my Brother in Law and his now wife embarked on a new life as a married couple. The preparation and excitement about travelling further abroad (than we had ever been before) to meet, stay,embrace and welcome a whole new part to our family. Therefore Advent was spent getting prepared, being watchful and making sure we were ready for a multitude of comings and goings. Running around making sure everything was packed, children were ready, passports were ready and the cat looked after. So many things in so little a time to make sure we were ready to welcome these new lives into ours.
A year on I can not say thank you enough. The love and joy the whole of my Sister in Laws family have brought in to ours has been fantastic. They took all of us into their house and without reservation treated us with the warmest welcome having never met us before, and have continued to do so since. So we  followed a star of a kind, to a stable of a kind, found lodgings and a new gift of family.
Each Advent should be filled with this bustle of anticipation. There is much to be done for the birth of Christ. Is our heart open to this gift? Is it ready for the sacrifices it must make? Are our doors flung open in welcome?
Advent welcomes in a new Liturgical year, and with it a chance for new beginnings. A chance for us to look at our lives a new, ready for this new life to arrive in ours. I always find an examination of conscience at this point a good starting point. I find the Sacrament of reconciliation an important part of Advent preparation. Whether this is your tradition or not, I would heartily recommend finding a way to bring your sins to God. In bringing our transgressions before the Lord, allowing him to take them and absolve them, leaves us with a clean slate to start our preparations.
Having cleaned our hearts of our wrong doing, we can open it to Christ. Spending time with Christ we can discern the journey that we are to take over the coming year.
Then we can metaphorically pack our suitcase for the journey. We can start looking at the tools we need to journey alongside Christ.
Then we can follow our star to the stable, and inside find our gifts, love, joy, faith, hope and forgiveness. All of these enormous treasures before us in one small and fragile child. What a wondrous gift indeed.
As I walk a much calmer journey towards Christmas this year, I am grateful for the gift of a new family I received last year. I am grateful for the new life we have been given in Ilkley. I am listening and preparing for a whole new journey in the coming year. There will be many new blessings to arrive in our lives next year, each one will bring new life and light into our lives.
All of these lights in our lives burn so brightly because they are all gifts which come from the light that lights all lights.  Our Lord Jesus Christ.

Christus vincit:Christus regnat:Christus Imperat

This weekend has been a truly wonderful one. It is also one that flies in the face of the shock headlines that the newspapers have been all too delighted to throw at the Church. One of the services I have been to have been to was full to bursting and with a good base of young children to grow up in the faith.  Others have been well attended and again with a thriving and growing base of children. It is however true that at any stage in the Church's past, present or future, we are always a generation away from dying out. Should we fail to capture the imaginations of those younger than us, it would be the generation that would fail to carry us on.

I placed a C.S.Lewis quote on social media earlier in the week. It read "God doesn't want something from us. He simply wants us." It is a quote I have always been fond of, not just because he is one of my favorite writers but because it embodies quite simply the reason I came to have a faith. At a time when everyone else demanded things of me, some of the Nuns at my school did the opposite. Through their life and their interaction with me, they showed me a glimpse of what the love of God meant. A few years later I went on to work at our local YMCA with vulnerable young teenagers. Some were only vaguely vulnerable, others exceptionally so. However what struck me as shocking was not the cases of abuse, those I had expected. What I had not expected was the level of stress and depression and self harm that came about quite simply because these poor young people felt that everybody wanted something from them in order to give them love and appreciation. They came to us, to get free food, some chill time and more importantly an unconditional ear and time. 

We live in a society now, that requires 24 hours of conformity in order to be accepted. What we say and do has never been more scrutinized both on a personal level and on an organizational level. Everybody has their expectations and many are all to willing to tear apart whatever it is we do or say. We however as baptized members of Christ's church have a duty to do the opposite.  Christ came to love us warts and all and it is our mission to do the same to everyone we meet. Here is where my quote from CS Lewis comes into play, as a missional tool for the Church. At a time when I was lost and vulnerable, it was acts of kindness, inclusion and an introduction to the Catholic Faith that has given me a lifelong Faith. If we were to go out of our buildings or bring people in and show them this unconditional love, how many more people could we bring flooding through our gates.

I am a great believer in incarnational ministry not just for our Priests but as a duty for all Christians.
However the image of the CofE has been blighted by our many internal arguements. We are not seen as loving and tolerant, but instead judgemental and incapable of loving each other let alone those outside our enclave.

Hopefully in the new budding trust that is developing, a new stronger and tolerant Church will blossom. It would be so much better if we were all able to work together, for in loving one another we can go out and love the world.

At this point there is another CS Lewis quote that seems appropriate


The life of Christ was not a comfortable one, therefore if we are to live a truly incarnational life, ours can not be either. But we should not let that stand in our way. For the love of Christ our King will reign over all.

Christus vincit:Christus regnat:Christus Imperat

The Butterfly at the Window

For many weeks now, as I have sat in Church there has been a butterfly persistently trying to escape through the glass window. The delicate creatures frittering and fluttering is so vigorous it can often be heard over whoever is preaching. I can only imagine it lives everyday like this, repeatedly banging it's tiny head against a window, risking damaging it's fragile body in a desperate attempt to reach the world it really desires whilst this invisible barricade stands in it's way. How it has lived so long I do not know, I can only assume it feeds of the flowers and has some exceptional will power to reach the other side of the glass. Still I expect as the weather cools, it will eventually cease to be there one Sunday morning.

We all stand on a precipice between the worlds we long to live in and the one we actually live in. For some of us we dream of many different scenarios, for example the  peaceful equal world which morally we should want  and the world we really want where we own and have everything we could possibly want. For the few true saints that walk among us those two worlds merge and more often than not they are the living example of what they desire.

For the rest of us life is not so simple. Most of us live in an entirely comfortable situation, it is hard to sacrifice what makes us feel safe. We know that in reality we have more than we possibly need, yet we desire more and have the capability  usually to get it. As we move towards Advent most of the country starts preparing for Christmas. I read in one paper yesterday about how we are in the 49 hours of preparation for the Christmas party look (new clothes, hair and make up). In the same paper was a statement from the Archbishop of Canterbury about how we should step away from materialism and give "LOVE" for Christmas. As a nation we apparently spent an average of £1,000 on Christmas last year. We put so much pressure on ourselves to produce a perfect event, that very often that is the very reason we do not. Many years ago now, I stepped out of the rat race. Preferring to give where I can homemade gifts and cards. I also stopped competing when it came to kids parties, we have for sometime now had a couple of friends, a film and pizza. By taking out the pressure we all have a bigger gift of "LOVE". Those who are there, want to be and it is a happy place. By giving homemade presents, you may not have spent big money but you have spent your time and in turn giving that "LOVE" again. My children love mucking in at the end of every term to make something for their teachers, it shows they are genuinely grateful for all the teachers time and effort by giving the same back in return. And truly when we already have it all, do we really need more of the big things?

I confess though that I am not immune to consumerism, I love pretty items and lovely clothes. I walk into shops and want everything in front of me, just like everyone else. However though I am still prone to window shopping, I try to buy second hand in the main. This final move happened after my Barefoot walk last Lent. Not only do I then end up with the pretty things I want, when I need them, but by going to a Charity shop I am giving something back to someone else that needs it and lowering my impact on the environment. The children to, love rifling through Charity shops. Though it has to be said, when it comes to Christmas they do get some new presents, but not the hundreds of pounds worth other parents seem to buy. But if I can get what they have asked for second hand, they never complain and don't really seem to notice. Life is simpler this way. I have long since given up on the desire to try and compete and as such I am more relaxed. As for spending 49 hours deciding what to wear for the Christmas do, I do not own make up, my hair can come out of it's hairband and I have a dress already. There are better things to spend my time on, so I am off to make some more chutney. But remember as you turn your thoughts towards Advent and then Christmas, that Advent is not about counting days with chocolates so you can receive even more stuff for yourself. It is a time for looking at yourself and what you can do in order to make yourself worthy of that gift as it comes down from heaven. The greatest gift anyone can ever receive, came down to the humblest of houses and the humblest of parents. Peace, Love and Joy can not be found in acquisitions, but they can be found in each other.

"Man can not live by bread alone."

"Man can not live by bread alone", is a phrase I have heard over and over again through my life. I am always tempted to say "Maybe not, but I will give it jolly good try." I love bread. From the very first moment of mixing yeast with water and that beery aroma develops, through kneading it, to watching it erupt into it's finished self in the oven. When it emerges hot and steaming filling my kitchen with that lovely fresh bread smell, it is irresistible. It is to me a temptation too far. As much as I know bread is best left for at least an hour. It is broken and spread with butter that melts the instant it touches the bread. My teeth then crunch through that gloriously thick crust. It is a pleasure that I am unable to leave sitting there and maybe shows how bad my will power really is.

Bread does therefore play a huge part in my life, whether it is baking it, shopping for it (as above) or eating it. It is part of every corner of my life, it is even a central part of my faith.  When we started college I attended a coffee group on Friday mornings. It was customary to come up with some kind of activity that demonstrates what our faith means to us. We spent many mornings doing crafty things. I was challenged for a few days when it came to my turn as to how I could demonstrate the importance of the Eucharist in my life. It came to me one morning that we could bake and break bread. 

We gathered together and I spread the dough equally between us, making sure those who were absent also had some bread dough to be shaped by us as well. How we shaped our piece of dough was up to each us. We placed them next to each other on the tray and left them to prove and bake. While the bread was doing it's work, we said morning prayer and I explained the purpose of the bread in relation to me and my faith. To me baking bread like this, is like coming to Church (and indeed like going to college) . You start of as individuals, you join together as a community, grow and break away to share what you have learnt in the time together. In sharing the bread we are sharing a meal (a small meal but a meal none the less). This means dividing between us all something that gives us life and in doing so it also gives us fellowship. The Eucharist does this as well. We come together to share our spiritual meal, and essential part of our developing faith and discipline as Christians. We come to share Christ between us all and then take him out into our separate lives. 

I try to attend Mass as often as I can, but by no means as often as I would like. I find that when I do not I get impatient and struggle with what life throws at me. Spending time in prayer and most especially at Mass gives me the space to sort out things in my head, share what I need to with Christ and receive his forgiveness and carry away his blessing.

So while we may not be able to live by bread alone, it forms an essential base on which so many parts of our lives can be grown. So next time you break bread and share it, think of all the different meanings it has in your life. Most of all remember that as you share this bread, a man once broke bread as a symbol of his body which he broke for us. 

"Who, in the same night he was betrayed, took bread and gave you thanks; he broke it, gave it to his disciples, saying: Take, eat; this is my body which is given for you; Do this in remembrance of me."

Barefoot Camping

I know I have been incredibly bad at keeping this up over the Summer. It would appear that having all three children at home takes up all your time. We have had some fun over the holidays with face painting, CBBC live in Leeds, swimming and camping. All in all in very busy holiday, culminating in today which is the first day I have had since we moved with all the children at school. Silence.... sometimes I relish it, other times I want nothing more than the house to be filled with noise again. Though it has led to a fairly productive day.

Back to the holidays. We have latterly been off on our travels, this means three things Churches, walks and Camping.We have been on a bit of a road trip this time taking in Luxembourg, Trier,Metz and Amiens among other delights. We have squeezed our way through rocks, climbed up and down river banks and seen beautiful and awesome Holy places. I feel privileged once again to be able to experience these wonderful things. I must stress that I have not been doing all this barefoot, my insanity radar is not quite that high. The barefoot bit refers to those night time dashes to the facility block with a certain little (well not quite so little) five year old. For these there is no time to put on shoes, even is I had wanted to. So in the freezing cold mud we dash through the gauntlet of rain at least once every night. Part of me enjoys these night sojourns, as much to my daughters amusement I use the time to point out all the fantastic wildlife that makes it into this light filled arena. This year we had a multitude of moths, a frog or two and the inevitable Daddy Long legs to amuse us. Yet there is a down side to the local wildlife bit, because pray as hard as I might, it does not seem to be appreciated by anyone that my need to be separated from the local eight legged wildlife is essential for everyone's sanity.
I like getting back to the simple things in life for a while. It is nice not to have all the faff of modern life to contend with. It also reminds me as the night draws in and the temperature drops that there are many people who do not even have the protection of canvas over their heads at night. It brings a whole new level of appreciation for what they go through. As I pull the blanket up over me, light the gas stove and drink my warm cocoa and I am still freezing cold and grumpy about the noise of the rain on the tent. Yet even in what I might call a small level of hardship I am so much better off than many. Puts it all in to perspective when you start thinking of carpets, heating and a warm bed (all of which I now very gratefully have back). No matter how grumpy I am feeling about the situation these tendencies to realize the privileges I have does mean I am inclined towards making the best of every situation I am placed in. After all had I not put up with the hardships I would not have seen the awesome space at Metz, the gorgeous Gothic Grandeur at Amiens and the colourful calming space at Trier.
It has to be said that after the last three soggy and grey days of the holiday, I was all to pleased to be pulling into the valleys of Yorkshire. As we drove through the sun was shining gloriously and inside the car you could ignore the cold and pretend that it was a warming Summers day. It felt truly like I was coming home. Somehow spending a short time away has made Ilkley home, more than ever.
So many adventures and blessing had and left to be had, for this I am more than grateful.