Barefoot Camping

I know I have been incredibly bad at keeping this up over the Summer. It would appear that having all three children at home takes up all your time. We have had some fun over the holidays with face painting, CBBC live in Leeds, swimming and camping. All in all in very busy holiday, culminating in today which is the first day I have had since we moved with all the children at school. Silence.... sometimes I relish it, other times I want nothing more than the house to be filled with noise again. Though it has led to a fairly productive day.

Back to the holidays. We have latterly been off on our travels, this means three things Churches, walks and Camping.We have been on a bit of a road trip this time taking in Luxembourg, Trier,Metz and Amiens among other delights. We have squeezed our way through rocks, climbed up and down river banks and seen beautiful and awesome Holy places. I feel privileged once again to be able to experience these wonderful things. I must stress that I have not been doing all this barefoot, my insanity radar is not quite that high. The barefoot bit refers to those night time dashes to the facility block with a certain little (well not quite so little) five year old. For these there is no time to put on shoes, even is I had wanted to. So in the freezing cold mud we dash through the gauntlet of rain at least once every night. Part of me enjoys these night sojourns, as much to my daughters amusement I use the time to point out all the fantastic wildlife that makes it into this light filled arena. This year we had a multitude of moths, a frog or two and the inevitable Daddy Long legs to amuse us. Yet there is a down side to the local wildlife bit, because pray as hard as I might, it does not seem to be appreciated by anyone that my need to be separated from the local eight legged wildlife is essential for everyone's sanity.
I like getting back to the simple things in life for a while. It is nice not to have all the faff of modern life to contend with. It also reminds me as the night draws in and the temperature drops that there are many people who do not even have the protection of canvas over their heads at night. It brings a whole new level of appreciation for what they go through. As I pull the blanket up over me, light the gas stove and drink my warm cocoa and I am still freezing cold and grumpy about the noise of the rain on the tent. Yet even in what I might call a small level of hardship I am so much better off than many. Puts it all in to perspective when you start thinking of carpets, heating and a warm bed (all of which I now very gratefully have back). No matter how grumpy I am feeling about the situation these tendencies to realize the privileges I have does mean I am inclined towards making the best of every situation I am placed in. After all had I not put up with the hardships I would not have seen the awesome space at Metz, the gorgeous Gothic Grandeur at Amiens and the colourful calming space at Trier.
It has to be said that after the last three soggy and grey days of the holiday, I was all to pleased to be pulling into the valleys of Yorkshire. As we drove through the sun was shining gloriously and inside the car you could ignore the cold and pretend that it was a warming Summers day. It felt truly like I was coming home. Somehow spending a short time away has made Ilkley home, more than ever.
So many adventures and blessing had and left to be had, for this I am more than grateful.

Building life's Castles

As I sit here writing there are two small people attempting to build a castle with the left over removal boxes. Clearly the vast expanse of house available to them is to much, they require a smaller and more basic design. Four walls, preferably collapsible, easy to transport and the ability to set up home near someone they care about so they can share life's ups and downs.
It has occurred to me whilst watching this, that this would have been amazingly convenient over the last few years. If I could have folded my house and all it's belongings into the back of the car, maybe squeezing in a few relatives at the same time, moving would have been much easier and life much simpler.
I spend a great deal of my life desiring something better than what I have. I am not in anyway proud of this, but I still find myself doing it. What has become apparent in the process of acquiring things, is though on the surface things become simpler, what is actually happening is life gets more complicated. We constantly hear reverberating around various parts of our lives conversations such as:-
If we both work, we will afford it all
If I buy this, life will be better
If I do this, all life's problems will be solved
If I lose weight/wear make up/dress in the latest fashions, everyone will like me
All these things bring complications into our lives and very rarely bring the Utopia we think they will. It is all very much a symptom of the great secular revolution, this concept that all can be solved by shallow and soul less changes to our lives.
As I have been sat here, the two small people next door have gone from arguing over boxes, space and pens, to co-operating and building a shared space. Taking the simpler concept into an even simpler concept of we have a little let us share what we have. The more we acquire, the more we want, the more possessive we become and the less we become inclined to share. We become empty and lonely. It is a true, a rich man is only rich because he keeps the money that makes him so.
On my chalkboard in the kitchen I have quoted Sylvia Plath "I desire the things that will destroy me in the end". It is a useful reminder, that ultimatly what we desire is often what corrupts us the most. However when we find the simplicity of space, time and peace, that moment when we encounter God. If we stop and listen we find the emptiness is where we find contentment. A singular search for happiness in what we possess, will always be an empty and fruitless one. If we search for the greater truths there is only one to be had and tranquility can be found.
 Yet again I fall short of this ideal, as do we all it is what makes us human. However I am hoping that watching my children build this simple house, having worked through their differences to find a common ground, that I will remember at least for a few days to prioritize the right things in life.

Polka Dots and Babies

Looking through our eyes, is kind of like looking through a magnifying glass, the world is distorted by the way we see it. All sorts of factors cause this distortion, our parents, our peer groups, our faith or perhaps our lack of it. For me many of these factors in my life have been conflicted, for the first 7 yrs of my life my mother was on her own and we lived on the bread line. She got married and I was catapulted into a world of middle class privilege and boarding school. I spent my early years growing up in the Salvation Army and the URC, then I went to a Catholic boarding school. I spent term times in towns and cities and my holidays in the Scottish countryside. Who I am is a polka dot mix of these, there is a blanket colour background, with dots of vehemently held and defended identity. This very much colours how I see the world.

Having moved to what I am reliably informed is "God's own Country" , I can see why it has earned this name. In the Sunshine you can see for miles the undulating English Countryside in all it's pride and glory. Your are surrounded by a truly awesome beauty and with it's jagged crags and distinct flora you also get a sense of the strength and power of God and his creation. You are surrounded by everything and yet can be perfectly still and at peace. You can feel in touch with God whether you are despairing or elated. There is countryside here to reflect it all and allow you to pause and discern where your faith may be headed.  

I find it very hard not to be inspired by these simple things, not least by the tenacity of our local sheep to escape the Moor in order to reek havoc in the town. What I can not ever ceased to be inspired by is the birth of a child. Each one is a miracle and you only have to ask my husband to know that I do not relax until I know each one I know of being born is safely delivered. I love the hope of new life and what it will bring, however I am also more than a little bit aware of how fragile life is. Here is where the miracle of God's gift of creation is most evident. Something so strong and so fragile, given to us in his image. What we do with this awesome gift in the next few years will affect  the way that fragile life force grows and behaves, how it will see the world and in turn how it will interact. This is our responsibility as parents, god parents and as Christians. From the moment you meet a child for the first time, it will log record and rein-act the way you behave. This is how we learn to be human. 

We have a wonderful new gift of life in this country. He is a focus of celebration and joy for many in this country. He is not just any baby boy, he will be our future Monarch and also the future Head of our Church. In a time when we are still in an uncertain economic situation, he represents a positive future in which we can all grow. There are many things that are broken in society now, maybe we can work towards resolving some of them by the time he has grown up. Let us hope that the influence from the citizens of Great Britain will be be a positive one on this tiny baby and his parents. So congratulations to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and to all others who received the gift of life yesterday, may God walk with you all on this journey.

  

Issues of Trust

Walking into a Parish that you have seen once for about an hour and a half about 9 months before you arrive required a certain amount of trust and faith. In doing so, I placed faith and trust in God and the judgement of my husband. Fortunately, I was entirely right to do so. I have a fantastic home, in a beautiful Parish full of wonderful people. However as you are aware I had many moments of vulnerability in the run up to arriving. I was constantly reminded of a moment in Doctor Who when Donna is in a Taxi with an alien and the Doctor has the Tardis flying alongside, he holds out his hand to grab her......
That gaping moment between hope and despair when grabbing on and having faith in the option available to you. When the person there says "Do you trust me?", you have to trust in the unknown and with a willingness to accept that it could all go drastically wrong. Sometimes we trust, instantly and with few questions. When we submit ourselves and our lives to God in Confirmation we are despite the lack of physical reality placing trust in him. At the point of Baptism our parents did the same, they trusted God to be with you and care for you. When you arrive at the point in your life to receive the sacraments of Confession and in turn the Eucharist you place trust in him to love and forgive you no matter what you have done. When you reach the point of committing to another in the Sacrament of marriage, we are trusting both God to hold us and our partner in life to keep the vows we make before God. These are just a few moments when we commit our trust to God and to others. While we are willing to place trust in God with the faith that he will hold us, we seem to expect more of our mortal companions. We expect them to earn our trust. It is a far more fragile form of trust, that is broken easily and hard to rebuild.
Trust is a hard concept, it leaves us vulnerable and open to pain. If it did not it would not be so valuable. There are many issues within the Anglican Church at the moment that require trust, however there has been a wall built between us all. The wall is fear, the bricks of fear and misunderstanding have built a wall that must be brought down brick by brick.
I do however have moments when I get so frustrated by everybody's (including my own) lack of ability to leave ourselves open to the wounds of Christ. We should be willing to leave ourselves open to the possibility that things might go wrong,but that in the midst of the chaos God will hold out his hand and say "Do you trust me?" It is not that easy though, we all carry our scars, identities and vulnerabilities. We bring together many traditions and theological points of view, all of whom have been hurt and feel betrayed. However I am increasingly coming to the opinion that no matter how much we try and protect the interests of all parties concerned, we can not do so by law. The only way we can make this work is, if we tear the wall down between us. Hold out our hands to each other and say "Do you trust me?"
The only way we can earn trust, is if we leave ourselves open to being wounded. If we wrap ourselves up in cotton wool, it not only shows how little faith we have in other Christians but also how little trust we have in God. I truly believe that the theological ideals I live by, is what God has set out before us as a model for life. It is much a part of who I am and how I live my life as my faith in God. If this is true, should I not be prepared to stand and trust that I will be safe if I risk a little of who I am. When we turn to God we give our whole life, we should be prepared to walk away from all we have and turn to him, to trust him. I have twice now walked away from comfortable lives, one a very comfortable middle class one and the other a place surrounded by people who shared my beliefs. This makes living the life you want to lead very easy. To live unchallenged is to live without strength, not to trust is not to grow in faith. Where would we be if Jesus had not entrusted his entire life to the hands of his Father? Maybe we should be prepared to do so too.

Putting faith in the path ahead

When Jesus walked out on the sea towards the disciples. Peter asked if he to could walk on the sea towards his Lord. He starts out gliding across with grace, but he starts to think about what he is doing and begins to sink. This is a passage that Bishop Tom Butler chose to speak about in his sermon at my husband's ordination. It seems a very appropriate passage for us. So much of the process of finding this curacy and arriving here has been founded on walking out to sea trying not to think of the vast expanse of space between us and the bottom of the sea. There have been moments of doubts, when it has felt like we have been sinking.This weekend though, I don't think either of us could have been gliding on the water with more faith and confidence in God.
Three years of training and many more years of exploration, culminated in Chris' ordination this Petertide. A sin it maybe but I could not have been more proud.
In the evening there was a Parish party to welcome us, Chris could not have looked more natural in a cassock, greeting people. So then begins our lives in the Parish. Despite the many conversations from experienced clergy spouses, I suspect that yet again I am launching myself out onto the sea and it will be my faith that keeps me afloat. I am also being kept busy trying to educate our middle son, who has not yet got a place at school. This in it's self has been a blessing and it is lovely to have this special time with my middle son, who so often gets left out due to the clamor of his older and younger siblings.
All three children have, despite hitting the ground running coped amazingly well. The two in school have made friends and settled in well. My daughter has in the three weeks we have been here learnt to read and write and come in the top three of all her sports day races. My eldest son, who fell to pieces when we moved to Oxford, has settled in well and appears very happy at school.
There is I know a journey full of many new challenges, but for a few small moments I have the confidence and strength of faith to glide across the water. I am sure sooner rather than later I will think more than I should about what it is we are doing and the doubts will creep in. However, for now I shall enjoy the beauty surrounding me, the lovely Parish and Parishioners and most of all the fact that as a family we are all totally content and happy with where we are. Deo gratias.

Returning to the begining

The Phillip's family have arrived in Ilkley and unpacked. We have left the cutlery in deepest darkest Oxfordshire, but I suppose you can not have everything. It is arriving by Ordinand courier service on the way to her retreat next week. So all is not lost in the long term. We have been made to feel most welcome and we are beginning to feel very settled already.

What we could not have predicted when we moved, was how soon we would be making a return to the place where this journey all started. Not just once but twice in the space of two days. There are many beautiful and God filled places in the North East.  They are multitudes of awesome places to find silence and prayer amid the beauty of God's creation. However there is one point of pilgrimage that people around the world flock to. It was here in this magnificent cathedral, that towers over city, castle and hill that this journey began.

We have spent nearly all of our married life living in the beautiful city of Durham. It has an allure to it that I have only found in one other city (St David's). Despite being a city, it is like a small village full of people you know and who know you. Despite being away for over three years, I was able to walk through the streets and bump into people and converse with them like I had never left. Indeed, I suppose part of me never really did. It was a wrench to leave Durham. It was the place of our first house, our marriage and the birth of all our children. It is already a place that many people who settle there feel hard to leave, adding those events made it seem all the harder. However we have covered my tendency to get attached to places in previous posts and I am digressing. 

We were called to go back to the seat of St Cuthbert so soon by particular circumstances caused by our current move. We had not returned during the entire three years of my husband's training. The Cathedral stamps a mark on Durham from almost whatever direction you enter the city, making even the castle seem tiny. It is a building of towering beauty that is strong but also peaceful and is a towering witness to the awesomeness of God standing over the City.
Coming back after three years this is what struck me the most. I had worshiped there for many years and it had become part of the woodwork for me and did not seem exceptional. However on returning, walking through the door, seeing the Rose window radiating it's light at the end of the vast expanse of nave. I was truly humbled. It is a space that is just full of the presence of Christ. Even among the mid week low rumble of school visit chatter, tourist fascination and pilgrim prayer, the presence is tangible and it is a building full of grace, peace, love and wisdom. Walking around the staff have changed very little since I was last there, neither have the clergy. It is a truly special place that retains staff in this way. Though time has passed and things have changed (they have completely changed the shop for instance), it is like a little piece of life that time forgot. It stays comfortingly the same because of the wisdom and godliness of the people who serve there. It was truly special to go back and share the beginning of the next step with the people who nudged, encouraged and believed in my husband in the first place.
God is always there towering over our lives. Like the magnificent building built for us to find him in, his presence is always there stamping it's mark on our lives. We can choose to walk past the wonderful beauty, strength and peace, or we can choose to seek it. We can choose to ignore the timeless unconditional forgiving love or we can choose to embrace. I would suggest that choosing to embrace it would vastly improve our lives. Not make them simple or easy, in fact in many ways it involves a great deal of sacrifice. Through those sacrifices though we develop wisdom and gain inordinate amounts of peace and love, which we can in turn reinvest in the people and lives around us. 

Home is where............

I am not unused to a transient lifestyle, as I have said before we have moved several times before. However prior to coming here we had stayed put for longer than ever before. Now after three years here and the reality of only three/four years somewhere else the reality that I am going back to a transient lifestyle for the rest of my life has hit. Don't get me wrong I am not adverse to moving, in fact I quite like it. It is always an adventure, this time more than most as I have not even seen the house I am moving to. I do have one hitch in the moving plan though. I get attached, to quickly to the places that are around me. Somehow it feels every time like I am up and leaving a part of who I am. No matter how hard I try not to I invest every part of me in where I am at that point, I always do. So I am at the moment an emotional gibbering mess (what's new you ask?).

I am slowly coming to the conclusion though that what makes me attached to the people and places I grow to love is not my proximity to them but the changes they effect in me. There have been many people and places in my life that have had profound effects on me. Being a passionate person these are very rarely moderate changes but huge big ones. The first was a long time ago whilst at boarding school, the Nuns and the school Chapel.

At a time when for many personal reasons I was vulnerable, they provided me with a stability  I would not have otherwise had. This time in my life is very much the foundation of who I am. I have realized over this last year, you can take the girl out of the Roman Catholic Church but you can not remove what it is to be essentially Catholic. When I left this school, it was a most difficult time for me, all I had and knew collapsed, as indeed did my Faith.
It has been a long a round about journey back to where I am today. My mother always said you return to the worship you began with. I think she desperately hoped that would be the Salvation Army. Her spiritual home. However, for me the routine of the Daily Office, the sharing of The Body of Christ at Mass, the reflection of Benediction and the theological ideals of what it means to be a Catholic Anglican is where I have found my home. It is not where I started, it is not where my Mother would have seen me and certainly I am not in the Convent as the Nuns had foretold. But I have found many places of Sanctuary in Oxford. Each has given me back a bit of what I have lost through my past. Yesterday I was sad as I said Goodbye to one, today however I rejoice in the fact that I am not leaving it behind. I am taking it with me, for it has changed me. As long as I take that change in my heart and carry on what has been started, I am taking it with me.
So much of what God gives us it is easy to leave behind. The gifts and opportunity left in our paths are easily dismissed. It is easy to walk away, I know I have been guilty of it many times. God knocks on our door and say "Who me, are you kidding?" It has certainly been tempting to say that this time. To stay firmly in the places that have taught me to be at peace with my self and my beliefs, it would certainly be the easy option. But I think to stay would be to waste the gifts that have been placed before me. So this time, I am taking home and God with me, to make a new home with the old one as a foundation. So I guess what I am saying is home (and God) is where your heart has been and where your heart is yet to go.