As the darkness comes

The clocks have gone back, the weather has turned, All Soul's is just around the corner and we are turning our eyes towards a time of reflection and waiting. Part of me loves the build up at this time of year,. The multitude of smells from the making of new soaps, baking and chutney making. The endless prints of Christmas cards littered round the house. The gradual introduction of requeim music and then advent music. Then as the time comes eventually the joyous celebration of the Nativity. It is full of hustle, bustle and business. Yet I always find myself pausing now and then. Occasionally the tears will come as a memory comes tearing in. It is meant to be a cosy family time but it is also a time that is often tinged by remembering what is lost. A reflection on the blessings we have, the blessings we had and the blessings we did not notice in time.

I want to be happy and hopeful all the time. I want to make the autumn and winter evenings, as joyful as it was at times for me. I want to protect my children from the pain, the damage and hurt that the world can bring. I desire this more than anything as the dark sets it. I fill the house with candles, light, warm smells, snuggly blankets and hot drinks. I want to comfort them, from what haunts me. But still I pause and the tears come. I can not make life all happy because it is not.

It is true that as we move past the pain often held in All Soul's, we examine how we can prepare for the joyous gift that is coming. However even that gift is tinged with the pain of what is to come to pass. We can not know the awesome brilliance of joy, unless we can acknowledge it's counterpart. As I pause and let the swells of past pain pass, I feel closest to God. I know he is there, he has always been there. No matter what I have been through, he has always been there. He has held me up, my faith is everything. It is not something I do, not something I am watching, it is without a shadow of a doubt the shaping presence of who I am. It is what gets me up, it is what makes me smile, it is what makes me want to share my joy and my hope. Therefore in those moments of deepest pain and regret, are the moments that I can see his next guiding step. They are the only tines when I stop and listen. These are the times when I am vulnerable and open to that unbending and unyielding grace. It reminds me that without the joy and subsequently the sacrifice we would have nothing.  We have to have both. So, I have learnt not to hide my tears. Subsequently, my children have learnt that not everyone has the peace and security that they have. In this experience the have learnt to value the life and family they have. I miss more than ever the people I have lost along the way, but I have also learnt to value the people I have now so much more. I never miss a moment, never let them go without a goodbye, for I never know when it might be the last. Then as I hug them tight, I give thanks to God for the people I have in my life and the reassuring presence he has in each one of our lives.