As the darkness comes

The clocks have gone back, the weather has turned, All Soul's is just around the corner and we are turning our eyes towards a time of reflection and waiting. Part of me loves the build up at this time of year,. The multitude of smells from the making of new soaps, baking and chutney making. The endless prints of Christmas cards littered round the house. The gradual introduction of requeim music and then advent music. Then as the time comes eventually the joyous celebration of the Nativity. It is full of hustle, bustle and business. Yet I always find myself pausing now and then. Occasionally the tears will come as a memory comes tearing in. It is meant to be a cosy family time but it is also a time that is often tinged by remembering what is lost. A reflection on the blessings we have, the blessings we had and the blessings we did not notice in time.

I want to be happy and hopeful all the time. I want to make the autumn and winter evenings, as joyful as it was at times for me. I want to protect my children from the pain, the damage and hurt that the world can bring. I desire this more than anything as the dark sets it. I fill the house with candles, light, warm smells, snuggly blankets and hot drinks. I want to comfort them, from what haunts me. But still I pause and the tears come. I can not make life all happy because it is not.

It is true that as we move past the pain often held in All Soul's, we examine how we can prepare for the joyous gift that is coming. However even that gift is tinged with the pain of what is to come to pass. We can not know the awesome brilliance of joy, unless we can acknowledge it's counterpart. As I pause and let the swells of past pain pass, I feel closest to God. I know he is there, he has always been there. No matter what I have been through, he has always been there. He has held me up, my faith is everything. It is not something I do, not something I am watching, it is without a shadow of a doubt the shaping presence of who I am. It is what gets me up, it is what makes me smile, it is what makes me want to share my joy and my hope. Therefore in those moments of deepest pain and regret, are the moments that I can see his next guiding step. They are the only tines when I stop and listen. These are the times when I am vulnerable and open to that unbending and unyielding grace. It reminds me that without the joy and subsequently the sacrifice we would have nothing.  We have to have both. So, I have learnt not to hide my tears. Subsequently, my children have learnt that not everyone has the peace and security that they have. In this experience the have learnt to value the life and family they have. I miss more than ever the people I have lost along the way, but I have also learnt to value the people I have now so much more. I never miss a moment, never let them go without a goodbye, for I never know when it might be the last. Then as I hug them tight, I give thanks to God for the people I have in my life and the reassuring presence he has in each one of our lives. 

We need to find God

I or We. At some point along the line the worship in Churches became about I or We. I want, I like, We want, We like and if you don't we will stamp our feet, argue and find every possible reason to focus on this one issue to the point of excluding all mission.

 It is partly a flaw of Anglicanism. In a Church which encourages the idea that faith can be whatever and however we like as long as we all love Jesus. Which on the surface is a lovely idea. The idea that we all hold hands and get along is a fantastic one. But if you encourage people to believe whatever they feel like and to worship in whatever manner they decide, worship becomes consumerist. Now no one approaches a Parish Church thinking this is my Church, my community, my faith, my home. They approach it from where is the nearest Church that gives me a bit of what I fancy whether it be a Smoothie Bar or Smells and Bells. It concerns me greatly.

In recent conversations I have had, not one of them have been about making sure Christ is the center of our Parish Life. Instead they are about what words we use, when we have events and separating God from the events. Almost as if we are almost embarrassed to be Christian, to have a conviction, to believe in something. The focus is definitely inward, rather than towards God and without a doubt on ourselves rather than our Mission.

Having a doctrine, having a liturgy, having a Eucharist, gives us a focus. It forces our eyes outwards and upwards, as there is nothing to debate about. It does not suit everyone and it is challenging. It is not by any means the east way out. Being a Christian is about challenging society and it's norms. Trying nudge by nudge to turn those secular eyes God ward. We are meant to live a life that is worthy of Christ. When we sit at the Altar and receive communion our eyes should be on the Body and Blood and heavenwards. If we can not even focus our eyes for this short time on God, then what hope have we of focusing on that in life. Therefore, it follows that we don't stand a chance of bringing that focus, that life out into society. If we as Christians are readily and willingly focusing on us rather than God, how can we expect others to turn their gaze heaven ward to the glory that awaits them.

I am finding myself increasingly frustrated by the constant debates both locally and nationally. What we believe has been decided, it was laid down long ago. The creed we stand and say each week is in direct conflict with much of what the Anglican Church now upholds to be true. With each fracture and with each decision we have moved further away from Christ. Further away from salvation and our focus drifts further away from God. He becomes a distant and ethereal being, his teachings no relevance in today's society. The Church adopts more and more secular ideals in an effort to become cool, to become attractive and truth is drowning in the influx. Belief has become diluted and what we want, what we desire becomes central. God is lost.

There has never been a time when being a Christian was easy, where being a Christian made you liked. It has more often than not led to being disliked, even hated and sometimes martyred. Are each one of us prepared to die for our faith. Defend our beliefs until the end. It appears to me that increasingly we are not. We are prepared to pick the comfortable life, the uneventful life. We are drifting, having lost our moorings. We will drown and be lost, if we can not or will not turn our eyes back to Christ.

" We need to find God, and he cannot be found in the noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they moved in silence....We need to be silent to be able to touch souls."

Mother Teresa

Love one another, as I have loved you.

I may as well admit from the beginning of this post that I am what some might call a dreamer. I have had my head in books since I can remember. Words have carved their way into my heart. I believe the power of words can do as much damage as any violent action. It is just not a visible tangible damage, it is silent internal damage. Words can build a person up or destroy them, similarly it can make or break a society. Our access to words has exponentially grown in the last few years. We have at the click of a button all the words we can ever dream of, and more. We are saturated in the world's words, the world's opinions. We use these words in a detached environment. Where we cannot even see the momentary wince or flicker of pain as we accuse, defame or insult. We launch fire with a machine of gun of words, repeatedly hitting our mark over and over again; without even a glimpse of a conscience. For example we have recently seen the eccentric Elon Musk accuse a man of pedophilia. A man that he has never even exchanged words with let alone met. We go from this to the less eccentric repeated abuse of politicians ,to the maybe justified accusations that should be made in private. Then dealt with in private rather than having a whole world who does not hope to even know the facts weigh in. These are impulsive word,s said without thought, without knowledge of the facts, they are words exchanged in hate. While others are tearing the world to apart with bombs and violence, we are tearing the fabric of society apart with words. This new verbal diarrhea, explodes, covering our world with hatred.  The verbal climate has reached such a boiling point that we no longer think twice about speaking in  such a manner person now either. It is like we have become immune to the pain we inflict.

 We can no longer discuss and disagree and still sit around a table as friends. When we disagree, it virulent and personal. Disagreement is a reason to wound, maim and even kill. Yes, words can and do kill just not by the hand of the person wielding the sword.

What makes anyone want to lead a public life in the present I can not determine. It only takes one words from someone, who maybe you have had a disagreement and nothing more has passed between you. Just one word and the world stops, it doesn't pause to gather it's breath, it collapses around you. Guilty or innocent you are left in immovable rubble. You will never hold your head high ever again because what has been said is with you forever. It is a brand, it marks you. Never more so than for those in our line of sight as politicians and celebrities. You can take a good person and destroy them with the words you utter. Words that are inescapable, unalterable and permanent. They can be genuine, they can be false, but once scattered on social media, the world itself is judge and jury. Legal processes be damned.The words may not even be accusations of  sexual abuse, they may just be a judge of character, they may just be a slur or a twisting of words you have used or a misunderstood expression of political/religious opinions you hold.

As a result we have become either fragile or monstrous human beings. Some cowering behind their duvets afraid to say or do anything in case it is the wrong thing and all the fires of hell descend upon them within seconds. Others so determined in their personal rightness that they will not pause until they have obliterated all who disagree with them. We should be able to have a discussion without making it personal, without assuming the other party must be guilty of being a horrible person. This poison permeates all of social media, journalism and even at the dispatches box in parliament. We can not discuss an issue, we must defame the person at all cost, it is the only way we can prove we are right.

I can not help but think of God sitting there with his head in his hands, with the same sense of exasperation I feel when my son decides to tell me the same Dr Who issue he is having for the fiftieth time in one day. For over 2,000 years he has laid an example for us of how to treat with those we disagree with. We invite them to the table, we share our food, we share our love, we share our ideas and learn to love one another. Enrich one another, educate one another, challenge on another. We can exact a change on the world but not through public slinging matches fueled by anonymous hatred. We must be the change. The way in which we live our lives, can be the change. If we all exacted a change in our lives, if we all went out and treated people the way Jesus did, our world would be at once transformed. There is a price tag to our words, we can either exact an expensive price. The price of lives, friendship and society. Or we can lay down our lives to be a cheap price> It maybe a more challenging price. After all, it is harder to demonstrate good through actions than it is to hurl righteous indignation. God paid the ultimate price tag for us, is not time that we learnt from the life that was given for us. We may leave the world bruised, battered and maybe even bleeding but we will have lived right. We will have shown our faith, we will have shared hope and we will have above all we will have loved one another.

  " And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest if these is love"

1 Corinthains 13:13