"Don't look back darling, it distracts from the now." Edna Mode

I have spent most of this week monitoring the now, or more precisely scouring my Twitter and Facebook feed for post about the Walsingham Youth Pilgrimage. Hoping for tiny glimpses of my son because it is not like I will hear anything from him. In doing so I have been reminded of my past and therefore I did not follow Edna Mode's instructions! I was distracted from the now.

 

Reading the quotes, seeing the pictures and listening to the music has dragged me back to a small retreat house I went to as a teenager. Being a Catholic school there were of course Christian events left right and centre but it was this weekend many moons ago when I realised without a doubt God loved me for being me. At first we all sat round in a group and we had to write on positive thing about each other in a booklet. I remember approaching this task with trepidation. I was full of ideas and compliments for others but I was self consciously aware of being unable to say one thing I liked about myself. I honestly expected my booklet to come back blank. My anxiety increased as the books went round the room. I felt utterly alone, vulnerable and afraid. Being cool came so easily to everyone else. The last book swap felt like an eternity, my heart pounded in my ears, time slowed to a snail's pace and I almost refused to take it. We sat there reading our books in silence. By the conclusion of mine I was in floods of highly embarrassing tears. The idea that these people had one nice thing to say to or about me was such an alien concept to me. However, here was a book full. It was a day of bountiful blessings, at a time when I most needed it.  God had shown me I had a value. It was a moment of revelation that tumbled the wall that stopped me embracing my faith. 

I had always been drawn to Mass, prayer and the retreats etc. Inexplicably drawn to it  from a very early age. I had felt a certainty of God's presence in my life but never saw or understood why he would want me as part of his flock. I still struggle on occasion to see why he might want me in his flock. Despite this I have learned to accept that it is my brokenness that strengthens my faith. Without it, I would not understand the mercy and sacrifice given in his death and Resurrection. 

Looking at the now, seeing hundreds of teenagers enjoying the worship Christ, discovering the humility of kneeling before the sacrament and the promise of hope and love of God, brings a tear to my eye. It will be a moment in many of their lives which will shape their future. Maybe even a moment of conversion but certainly one of inspiration. 

May Our Lady of Walsingham pray for all those on the Youth Pilgrimage.