In garden of Gethsemane

 Matthew 26:36-46 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” 37 He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” 39 Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” 40 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked

Life is full of choices, some are hard and others easy. Some fill us with joy and others fill us with that overwhelming sorrow that only time in prayer can resolve. In his human guise our Lord felt this overwhelming need at the end of his life. A desperate prayer, that what was right and meant to be might just be able to be changed. A moment of doubt. We all wobble in our faith and beliefs at times and there is comfort in the knowledge that even our Lord faced his own doubts in a moment of crisis. There is more to this story though, as he approaches his Father in prayer he turns to the disciples and asks them to watch over him. In their human weakness and frailty in that moment of need, they failed. We in our lives today sometimes feel that our human companions fail us, do not support us in our hour of need. Despite this plea and abandonment, Jesus is not alone. His Holy Father is there, to comfort, to carry and to reinforce his strength to do the right thing.

In our hours of darkness, we question so much from tiny petty niggles to great grand life changing decisions. We look for answers and flounder around stumbling through life. Here is where I find time in prayer so vital. As Christians we can say we are doing God's work, but we can not definitively say we are guided by God unless we find our answer in time in communion with God. Spending time in divine presence whether through the Sacraments or in your own individual way, we can use that time to discern which way our lives should turn. We can also find that strength and support to help us carry on.  

Remember with humility and gratitude

"I remember everything. Memory fills my body as much as blood and bones"

The Testament of Mary, Colm Toibin

Now I am quite prepared to accept that you have heard more than enough from me in the last few days. I also appreciate that I have been at best slightly pessimistic in my posts. I am hoping that (as the sunshine seems to have returned) what I have to say is going to be more positive. 

The Testament of Mary, is a book that attempts to look at how our Blessed Mother may have felt during the later years of her son's life. It is not a book that entirely sits easily with me, but you can not really argue with the above quote. However Mary may or may not have felt about her son's ministry, one thing has to be unequivocally true, she could not have forgotten it. As a Mother myself, I can say the imprint of my children's heartaches and joys are indelibly printed on my memory. I live their lives along side them and hopefully saddle some of their burdens for them. It is my job to stand in support of them, whether they see fit to follow a path I see as right or decide to fall into a pattern of life I find deeply uncomfortable. If and when they fall, I am there to pick up the pieces. When they succeed I am there to celebrate their achievements.

For a Mother to stand by and allow their children to make their life their own is one of the hardest things we can do. The desire to protect them from all harm is overwhelming. For our Blessed Mother, she had no choice but to let her son's divine father's plans unfold. She could not protect him from what had to happen. It is enough to break anyone's heart. It would not be surprising if the memory of her son's ministry and crucifixion, filled her as much as her blood and bones. If it were not for this all encompassing memory though, the revelation of his resurrection should not have been so awesome.

Especially during Lent the story of our Lord's suffering is recited in it's many forms of devotion and reflection. From the suffering caused by temptations to the final days of his life focused on in Holy week, we come into contact with his life. We form our own memories based on these devotions and stories. These memories affect how we go out into society and live in our lives. Each Christian  life should be lived in the image of Christ, that image we take out in ourselves is formed from our memories of the way Christ's life is brought into ours. One of the most startling memories I have of Christ's life was brought to me when I was on retreat in my late teenage years. Someone played me a short compilation video from The Passion of The Christ with the back round music of Bryan Adams "Everything I do, I do it for you"

Now, I know there are many theological issues with the film as a whole but this simple stark graphic image of our Lord's suffering had a profound effect on me then. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude that someone should do this not just for everyone else but for me aswell. Now accurate or inaccurate in it's precise representation, our faith is based primarily on this event in Jesus' life. The memory of this sacrifice and the knowledge that God's purpose in doing this was to forgive us our sins, should fill us all with gratitude and humility. We should then take this gratitude and humility into our lives and share it with others. We should be grateful we are alive, that we have a chance to make a difference to the lives of others. We should have the humility to take our lives and sacrifice our comfort in order to make that Christ like difference to other peoples lives.  

Jesu, may thy cross defend me,
And thy saving death befriend me, 
Cherished by thy deathless grace;
When to dust my dust returneth,
Grant a soul that to thee yearneth
In thy Paradise place. 
From Maria Desolata 
A devotion by Fr Ian Brooks, SSC

A prayer for the day

Almighty God,

  at the beginnings of our salvation,

  when Mary conceived your Son and brought him forth in to the world,

  you placed them under Joseph’s watchful care.

May his prayer still help your Church

  to be an equally faithful guardian of your mysteries

  and a sign of Christ to mankind.

Through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

This prayer has been taken from the Divine office of Terce

Here Comes the rain

After the sunshine of the last few days, the wind, rain and greyness have descended on our little valley in Yorkshire. Here it is either beautifully radiant in the Sun or dark grey and broody. I am it has to be said massively effected by the weather. My temperament will soar in the sunshine and I will think all is possible. When the grey descends, so do my doubts and I become reticent and withdrawn. I spend lots of time alone in the quiet during the day, being able to watch the changing scenery is awesome.

Nature has the power to make somewhere seem warm and friendly one moment, then grey and dark descends and a place can become foreboding. Authors use the weather to influence our imaginations, much as the real weather does. There is then this great all powerful weather that has the power to control our lives and in extreme circumstances to destroy our lives and our homes. We have the power to limit it's effects on our lives to a certain extent, but we are ultimately at it's mercy.
So much of life is ordered and controlled by us now. We have so much scientific knowledge now that we can manufacture life, prolong life and we can destroy life. We can alter genetic programs to effect that outcomes of foetuses and we can grow parts and in general we can play God. We have such knowledge and power, but I am not convinced we have the self restraint. Lines can be and are crossed, laws are broken and what is truly unnatural has become normal.
There are undoubtedly great benefits to the knowledge that we have gained. Lives saved and diseases cured. But we have learnt many times in history that what on the surface seems to be beneficial can down the line be harmful to the generations who come after us.
We have given ourselves warmth, electricity and wonderful items that have made our lives easier, but at the same time we have destroyed environments, mined nearly all of our natural resources, fed ourselves and left others unfed, protected our countries while giving weapons to others to kill each other. We sit pretty in our ivory tower, whilst enabling the destruction of other families, children and countries. Our progress has even altered the weather, as it becomes more erratic and more extreme every year. When do we stop and learn. What point do we cease to think just of ourselves and start to think of others.
We are an all consuming society. We consume our resources without a by or leave, then dispose of them without regard to the out come of our disposal. We have become so bound up in what we need for ourselves that we have started to discuss the point at which we can end our own lives.
A small thought for you to go and think on, we may think we can tame the future for our own ends. We are not in control of nature, no matter how hard we try or how much we think we are. I can assure you that in the long term, our legacy for children and theirs is that they will learn that we did not have the power and knowledge we thought we had. The only question is, will they learn from our mistakes? When we have not learnt from our fore fathers. Maybe we are doomed to spend eternity thinking we know best. The more we rely on our own manufactured wisdom, grown out of knowledge gained, rather than using the wisdom that God gave us to temper our so called progress. The further we will go from his presence. The world will become empty and broken. We must learn to listen to our God and our fore fathers before it is too late.

Finding an equal footing

Equal, when something is the same. Equality, when we all have the same rights. Equality of debate, when we are all allowed an opinion and a voice without prejudice. To be tolerant, is to tolerate those who are of a different opinion without reservation or judgement or recompense. Inclusive, to be an organisation which includes all within it, whether or not we agree with each other. The Anglican Communion, should equal all of the above.

Lord Neuberger last week, was quoted as saying "People cannot debate traditional issues because of liberal 'censoriousness'" It is a problem that society has, it is also a problem the Church has. I can read a paper, my twitter feed, facebook or listen to the news and there are so many voices shouting about the above buzzwords, equality, tolerance and inclusivity. These are all true if you are sympathetic to a modern agenda and concept of these words. I struggle to find my feet in a world and Church that is so much at odds with my beliefs and lifestyle. I am guilty that I stay at home to look after my children. I feel embarrassed that I chose that over a degree, because people constantly ask me what I do with my life. An answer along the lines of I care for and teach my children whilst supporting my husband in his ministry does not seem to have quite the same level of appeal to modern society as I have a degree in x and work for x. I am guilty that I am at odds with the plight of women kind. Having been made to feel bad for what I do and believe, I am then prevented from justifying it because my opinions maybe offensive. I do not desire to make all believe the same as me, nor make all live the same life as me. However it seems that at the moment society can only have a one sided debate. The so called liberal debate. Any one else is not to be heard because they might be offensive. They are to be removed from our democratic systems, in case they might just actually have a voice that is heard and responded to.

We are blind siding a whole valuable part of the Church that does actually have a lot to give society, even it is just to moderate the 'liberal censoriouness' that is begining to exist in society. To deny people free speech and opinion because you disagree with them is only a stepping stone away from a dictatorship even if it is a liberal one. It is about as far from equality and tolerance as you can get. I appreciate my opinion is different to the popular one. However, I see a great benefit in traditional family values, when the world has lost respect, tolerance and loyalty, in favour of individualism and self serving agendas. We no longer know the value of listening to each other. We no longer understand the value of working at relationships. We no  longer understand the value of compromise. Society is breaking up and we are too fixated on one concept and one answer to fix it. We can only fix society by stopping and listening to one another, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel. It is in learning to compromise so all are equal. It is about loving one another for who we are. This is the Christian way. We are not here to judge one another, we are here to love one another.

O happy band of pilgrims

"The Cross that Jesus carried

he carried as your due:

the Crown that Jesus weareth

he weareth it for you."

The above quote is from the hymn " O happy band of pilgrims".  The words throughout this hymn  are striking. This verse however is particularly poignant in this season of Lent. The cross he carried and the Crown he wore, he did for us. It is very easy when looking at words like this to get weighed down by the overwhelming responsibility we have in these events. From the first fall of mankind through to the present day it has been in our nature to sin. It is this predisposition that led to our Saviours Crucifixion, it is however also what led to his resurrection.   

I explored last time the idea that it is because we suffer, we appreciate the revelations of love, hope and joy that light up the path through the darkness and evil we all travel. It is also true that had we not fallen into sin at the first hurdle we would not have required the gift of salvation. When we hold onto our sins, we become bitter and entrenched in their darkness. They begin to weigh heavy  and we can see no way to move passed them. They allow the claws of temptation to grasp a firmer grip because our hearts and our minds are already unclean and our judgement clouded by previous events. In short when you sin once, you are more likely to sin again and again, each time in a bigger way because your will power has already succumbed to temptation. So why then are we a happy band of pilgrims? 

We are happy because God gave us a reset button. He gave us the gift to wipe our hearts and minds clean and come to him anew in pureness. He gave us the sacrament of reconciliation. Temptation is a tricky thing, it lurks in the daylight with a silver tongue persuading us that what is wrong is right through deception. Temptation can show you the world and persuade that it is all yours but it is always at a price. Temptation does not ever sell you the whole story, it is perhaps the best spin doctor there is. The price is your salvation. When you have given into temptation you know instantly, as whatever you may try to persuade yourself, a creeping sense of doubt about your actions starts to dwell in your mind. This is the beginnings of that grasp getting tighter. 

As I have been writing those last few words a quote once spoken to me has come into my mind.

 “As to confessing one’s sins to a priest, all may do so, none must do so, some should do so.”

I can not for the life of me remember who said it to me, or who the quote originally came from. Even at the time they were spoken to me they were words that reflected what I think on the matter. Confession to a Priest is most certainly not for everyone, but it is a Sacrament, a gift from God. From the moment God sent the baby Jesus to our sinful world, it was with the ordained purpose that this his son, should die without sin that our sins should be forgiven. He gave us three days of contemplation of our Saviours sacrifice before he resurrected him into new life.  He performed in this task the first and all encompassing act of reconciliation. He gave us the reset button.

 

We are a happy band of pilgrims, for if we walk in faith, if we place our transgressions at the foot of his cross, if we trust that in his Sacrifice our hearts are washed pure in his blood, we can again resist temptation with a renewed strength. He bring us to a new life in him, that he may dwell in us and we may dwell in him. We almost inevitably fall foul of temptation again, but not so easily when he is in our hearts.

"O happy band of pilgrims, 

if onward ye will tread

with Jesus as your fellow

to Jesus as your Head!

O happy, if ye labor

as Jesus did for men:

O happy, if ye hunger

as Jesus hungered then!

The Cross that Jesus carried

he carried as your due:

the Crown that Jesus weareth

he weareth it for you.

The faith by which ye see him,

the hope, in which ye yearn,

the love that through all troubles

to him alone will turn,--

What are they, but vaunt-couriers

to lead you to his sight?

What are they, save the effluence

of uncreated Light?

The trials that beset you,

the sorrows ye endure,

the manifold temptations

that Death alone can cure,--

What are they, but his jewels

of right celestial worth?

What are they but the ladder,

set up to heaven on earth?

O happy band of pilgrims,

look upward to the skies,

where such a light affliction

shall win so great a prize. "

Tasting the Cross

I know, I did this last year wrote two blog posts within a couple of days near the beginning of Lent. I promised I would not write everyday and I will still uphold this. Though I would at least like to try and make it weekly during this season (sorry).
The day of Ash Wednesday has come round again to commence our season of Lent, my daughter gave me cause to ponder this as we were packing up lunches for school this morning.
Sitting on our kitchen worktop was my son's Confirmation cake, on it is is a simple cross. My daughter came to me begging "Mummy, Mummy can I have some of the cross? I have never tasted the cross."
Such a simple question but I thought one that had a deeper meaning. No she has not tasted the slightly tantalising sugary treat upon the cake, but neither has she tasted the real suffering in the world that lead to that cross being on my cake.
At the tender age of five she is still living in a world that is full of candy floss and fairies, so to speak. Her eyes innocent to the pain around her. She is full of life, smiles, happiness and the joys of Spring. For her elder brothers the reality of suffering and sin around them is beginning to dawn. You can see how this begins to effect how they view Lent and how they see the sacrifice that Christ made so that our sins maybe forgiven. I too, remember at sometime around their age going through a similar revelation. I remember thinking up until this point that the whole world was kind of cosy and safe and though bad things happened they affected a few but not the masses. When I was around the age when I was leaving Primary school, there was still a problem with bombs in Ireland and London. It was when my Mother refused to go into London for my birthday that it hit home. Evil could touch me, pain could reach me and suffering touched those around me. I remember remaining defiant that my birthday should happen in London as always, that the bad people should not succeed. However, when we reached London, I was nervous and I was afraid. This event changed how I saw the world and how I lived in it. It is the first time I truly appreciated the gift that was given to us at Easter.
Then when I became a Mother the meaning of what my own requirement to sacrifice meant hit me like a train. Suddenly after one cuddle with this tiny fragile human being, I would sacrifice anything because my love was overpowering. There was in this small bundle in my arms, mine and my husband's love, our blood, our genes, our hopes and our future. Who would not protect such a fragile thing with all they had. This overwhelming feeling altered how I saw me, my faith, the world, the suffering of the BVM and indeed the suffering of Christ. Up until this point sin and suffering seemed very one sided, very negative, just something to avoid. The revelation in the birth of my child is in that sin can be renounced and without it you have love. When you have found love, you have hope and through this hope you find the joys of the resurrection. I found that suffering can not be avoided, but it is made bearable within this gift of love. For if we did not feel love, we would not know the meaning of sacrifice, for without love there would be nothing to lose to cause us pain.
40 days and 40 nights to look at our sins, to confess our sins to God, to renounce evil, to look temptation in the face and walk away into the light and joys of the resurrection.
40 days (or indeed the rest of our lives) to see the joy in sacrifice. For though it may be painful to us to sacrifice that which we hold dear, it will give us and others hope. It will light the world with the joy of the resurrection.

I Believe

The other day, I was discussing with a friend the new the new clergy wear at a Tat Fayre. One item it appeared was made out of a material that would distract so heavily from the clergy collar, you probably would not have noticed it. The question then popped into my mind, why bother spending all that time and energy forming yourself into a new person, going through an ontological change to hide it?
Society today encourages us to find ourselves, provide for ourselves, indulge ourselves and generally look after our own interests first (even if we all like to pretend we aren't doing this, we do). So after agonising and twisting and turning along your long path you come to face the hard realities of life. A dawning discernment of who you might be, what you might believe in and what you might want to do with that information. A hilltop has been climbed and you stop at the top of the hill and say from here on in it is only down that is easy.
The you look over the edge and realise, actually it might be a bit steep, a bit slippy with all that gravel, you might just fall on the way down.
The problem being that having been told to find out who you are, when you get there you find that someone or something will always tell you that what you are is wrong. That how you have chosen to live your life will not be what is the right way to live. Most fundamentally people will always tell you that what you have chosen to be your faith, that basic building block on which you build your being is wrong. Someone, somewhere will try and rip that from under you, so you fall.
So back to the top of your hill looking down. The journey does not seem so easy now even with all the knowledge you have gained. Do you hide who you are to fit in or do you take what you have discerned in your life and use it?
As we head towards Lent, that point at which we are all challenged to look at our lives. We must discern in this time our faults and our failings, we must look at turning towards that cross on the hill and how we can change our sins and sufferings into a living ministry of Christ Incarnate. We can all use this time to put ourselves at the top of the hill and  look temptation in the face. The way down may look scary, it maybe treacherous, but the soul searching that lead to our standing before Christ in the first place is all the strength we need to reach the bottom. We just need to have a little bit of Faith, that together with our Lord and his teachings we can find our way down. But temptation to hide or to change the fundamentals of who we are both as individuals and the Church is there all the time.
Sometimes I feel the world around me is a bit like the story of Adam and Eve, they have bitten into the fount of modern knowledge and revelation without really having the all encompassing wisdom that goes with it. So there we are here biting into our apples seemingly naked in our response with our very much short sighted action that comes with the knowledge we have gained. Our actions are shallow and superficial and in many ways we remain blind to the effect that such progress has given us. All these wonderful promises that we can fix the world if we do this based on this, if equalise everyone to be the same, if change what being a family means, if we change our doctrine. The trouble is the world isn't being fixed. the only truth that can ultimately change the world is loving each other, loving each other in our differences not trying to make the world all the same. There is no point having an identity in the first place. If all you are going to do is hide it to please the world.
Each and every day societies actions become more God like, their assertions of truths more concrete all leading to a life lived in the promise of equality and fairness. However all we are getting is a discordant noise of argument and division and far from equality you get a widening chasm of inequality. We already have the truths of life, we are born, and we die. The only thing that will make the difference in the middle is faith, love and toleration. This is not the same as change, we need to love those from whose opinion, maybe even lives, faith and doctrine are vastly different from ours. We do not however need to change the teachings and doctrines that we have to fit in.  They are the foundations of our Church. They are what we or our parents promised to adhere to at Baptism, they are what we promised to adhere to at Confirmation and they are what we promise on a weekly basis to do every Sunday in the Creed. I believe, that makes me who I am and therefore who I should be  and how I should live.