A heartfelt plea

My first encounter with the subject of abortion was at the grand age of 14. I had to prepare the case against abortion for my English assessment at school. I had asked for the case against it,  no one else had wanted to write it. I was shocked by the level of acceptance for this procedure, especially given that I attended a Catholic girls school.

I can not say I agree with abortion. It is, us as living breathing humans deciding to make our ruling on ending another human's life. There is no point beating around the bush it is a life, whose heart is beating. A life which if we did not abruptly decide to end it has every chance of surviving to a ripe old age.  I feel that  has to be made clear at this point, this is what we are doing we are ending a life with a premeditated action. Murder is the wrong word, but the action is not far off it.

At the age of 14, I was making an impassioned plea, based on religious piety and moral judgement.  Now at the age of 36 and as the mother of three, I am making an experienced and reasoned plea that the way we deal with abortion needs to be looked at.  It is not just another form of contraception. There is a stark difference between preventing a life and a conscious choice to end a life. I can not say either makes me comfortable but surely the former is the lesser of two evils and in this day and age so simple to use.

When I fell pregnant for the first time it was not a convenient time for either of us at all. We were renting a house, we were not exactly rolling in money and neither of us were exactly at a time in our lives when having a child would be easy. It caused us both serious anguish, it would have been so easy to walk down to the doctors and ask. So easy, not to have had to change our life plans, not to have struggled financially, not to have faced the hard a difficult life we had with a challenging pregnancy, toddler and beyond. Nothing about my first child has ever been simple. However, not one day has gone past when I don't look at my child and thank God for the strength and discernment he gave us at that troubled time.

Never have I prayed more fervently than I did through the pregnancy and early years. Never have I questioned my faith more than the dark whirlwind of those months. Neither,have I been more grateful for such a wonderful blessing that was born out of our faith and trust in God.

Having recently watched the BBC's documentary "Abortion on Trial" , I found it tough watching. I totally identify with Anne Robinson's sense of shame. I have felt that deep shame, even admitting that I considered it, seems a sin. A terrible wrong, I thought about ending a life. I feel like I might as well have considered stabbing someone. I understand the turmoil that sexual abuse and rape brings, this is the one grey area where I really struggle with objecting with abortion but still can not reconcile it in my mind as the right course of action either. What concerned me more was the mother who freely admitted to having three abortions. I would have loved to ask her what forms of contraception she had tried to prevent those pregnancies, rather than ending a life so freely. But the program neglected to even discuss this idea. More distressing than that, was the willingness to accept abortion pills to be taken at home. There was no real discussion or acceptance to the very real danger of death or serious illness to women who did this without proper support. Of these I am sure there would be plenty. Especially those young vulnerable teenagers, possibly even underage girls, who would take these tablets home. In adequately informed as to what they would see, the pain they would experience, that the reality of what you have done is there in your hands. To allow those vulnerable girls home to do that alone is, I think, criminal. The idea that the welfare of women on that level did not appear to register to anyone in that room, after being shown an emotive film about a woman with agoraphobia. Who I think with all reasonable medical judgement should have been allowed to do so at home with medical support. Something that could be considered in such radical and distressing circumstances.It would however be impossible to fund this level of support for all woman wishing to take abortion pills at home and to do so without could so easily be fatal in a few cases.

What frightens me most is that abortion is seen as just another form of contraception. As discussed earlier there is a subtle but definitive difference. The ease at which society accepts the ending of a life is terrifying. I would not argue that it should be criminalized again , as much as I think abortion should never happen. Life is not clear cut. It is better that in those extreme cases where it could be genuinely argued to be required, it is better to have it done safely. However, I do not genuinely think doctors would seriously refuse anyone coming to them. In fact on turning up with my whole family to discuss my third pregnancy. I was asked in front of my children "If this was a happy pregnancy and was I keeping it?"! Why would I bring my husband and children to discuss a subject like that.I would have at least left the children at home. We were there to celebrate with joy, a new blessing on our lives. Such a casual attitude to abortion is wrong.

The discussion of abortion for gender or disability, should not even be tabled. We are not God, it is not for us to decide who should have the right to live. Anymore than I have the right to tell you how to live your life. God gave us free will, he lets us decide. It is his judgement that we will all have to face sooner or later. God also gave us the knowledge of what is right and what is wrong. He tells us in the commandments it is wrong to murder Therefore I draw the conclusion it is wrong to take any life. Maybe one day I will face him and he will tell me I am wrong. I struggle with that idea though, that he would be comfortable with us freely disposing of his creations. Us who can not understand fully or replicate with certainty that creation of life. Even with IVF we can not guarantee life, we can not force it, there is a touch of the divine to reproduction. We have found ourselves in a world where we think we have the right to decide to end that life, to not give it a chance. To not find out that even in the most distressing of circumstances that a life we end may have been a blessing. I will not judge, that is not my task. It is your decision and you have the gift of free will to make it. I am not in your shoes, nor are you in mine. But I urge you  with that impassioned plea, man and woman alike to consider deeply and honestly what you are doing when you have an abortion. If at all possible look at contraception, so you are not faced with the choice to end a life. Above all I pray for God to be with you in all you decide. May he offer you comfort and strength. For if you seek him, he will never leave you to walk alone.

The Pendulum never stops

On Friday evening I found myself at the Tate Modern's new exhibition in the Turbine Hall. The normally vast and largely empty space has been filled with a gigantic playground of swings, all adult sized. To the forefront of this play area, is a metal ball pendulum, swinging back and forth with a faint swish marking the relentless passing of time.

On our occasional visits to art exhibitions with children in tow, I have got used to not reading the explanations of said works of art. This time I stood even less chance. They eagerly embarked upon swinging back and forth, mirroring in miniature the pendulum. After a while they tired and we all went and lay on the vibrantly coloured carpet admiring the reflections caused by the changing people on the floor. The swinging of time a constant, only the changing masses of people causing the art to be always unique. As I lay, slightly hypnotized by the pendulum I contemplated how we pass our time. Can we as adults pass our time with a child like innocence? Do we allow ourselves the time to asses  where we are, where we are going? Do we make time to listen to the silence? Do we listen to the voice of God in our Lives? Or do we constantly rush around, so we do not notice the constant swish of time and before we know it our clock has stopped.

The passage of time happens whether we want it to or not. It marches constantly on, never am I reminded of this more than when I walk along the route of a pilgrimage. The footsteps of people, their many reasons always unique, always different but still the pathway followed throughout the passages of time the same. The culmination of the journey always the same, us reaching out to Christ aiming to deepen our relationship with him. What once may have been an eroded muddy path constantly walked on by bare feet or sandals, is now invariably a hardened surface most commonly walked on by modern shoes. The numbers over the years may have swelled and dwindled, only for their numbers to rise again with time. But these places still stand, the roads to them still exist and many still walk to them contemplating their place in the continuity of the Christian Faith.

When walking a pilgrimage it is easy to feel daunted by the sheer number of people who have come before you and those who will come after. Each one of us a tiny,molecule in the vastness of Christian history. What difference can one make, when some many others can and do make such world changing differences. It is easy to forget that the simple things change the world too, starting with the Mass. Each and every Mass that is said changes the world bit by bit. Each sacrifice brings God closer to us. So it is too, with every act of kindness, generosity, tolerance, charity and prayer.We change the world for the better, maybe not on a global scale but locally we do. Each person who comes to faith through our actions, our kindness, our Christian example can  go on to change the world. Then action by action we can start to change the world into a better more Christian place.