Journeys End (or "I have warm feet")

I promise this will be the last time I mention bare feet of any kind, especially mine. Before I tell you what has stuck with me over the last 40 days and especially the last week, I would like to say Thank You. Thank you to those who have donated money to change lives. Thank you to the people who promoted the cause, so more lives could be changed. Thank you to those of you who simply took the time to ask how my feet were or who prayed for me, it kept me going in the many times I wanted to stop. Because of all you wonderful people there is £541 going to Us.

My feet have survived relatively unscathed, I just have a purple toe. This was ironically acquired on the final few footsteps to Church this morning when I tripped over my daughter. Still it is a good fashion statement with the black soles of my feet.

Starting my journey on Palm Sunday and placing my shoes on after receiving my first Communion of Easter proved to be incredibly moving. Though at the end of it there are few physical injuries to show. There has been due to the cold physical discomfort and pain. There have been many injuries to my pride as well. I have spent a week walking on the dirt and detritus that society is protected from by shoes. Because of all these simple things, going to stand at the altar to receive Communion is intensely humbling. This morning bringing all of my vulnerability to the Altar, standing on holy ground with nothing between me and it, receiving and then returning to my seat and placing my shoes on brought me to tears. There is very simple suffering in what I have endured, enough to disconcert me but not enough to do damage and I can end it. Just like that. I felt so enormously privileged that I had the freedom to make that choice.

So many people suffer around me here and abroad. They have no choice in the matter and no easy solution. Walking bare foot has made me realize how incredible selfish and proud I am. These are not easy lessons to learn, especially when it so obviously laid out in front of you. It has made me realize how easily I will resort to finding the easier way, rather than struggling with the harder one. I am like all human beings weak. Yet despite these faults I have been asked "How my Feet are?" I never thought I would find those simple words so moving, but I can assure you, I can. Despite all my weaknesses, God and my friends still cared about me.

Today of all days, this day of joyous Resurrection highlights this. For if we had not fallen at the first hurdle in Eden there would have been no need for the sacrifice that was paid for us. Yet we were loved enough for God to sacrifice his son, and break the barriers of death to give us life eternal.

So all that remains, is for me to wish you all a very Happy Easter and give you one more very big Thank You.

(If you have not already donated but feel you would like to, please go to https://www.justgiving.com/Hannah-Phillips7 , thank you in advance)

In a body broken

A body broken in it's strength.
One body to heal the many.
Bloodied and broken,
Twisted and taunted.
A body that took the fury of evil,
To redeem the good in all.
Broken to be shared,
Humiliated to reclaim.
None of us, worthy of the gift we receive.


To kneel at the altar, is to be at the cross.
To kneel at the foot of death,
So we can receive life.
For you and for all,
The bread and body broken,
To wash away a flood of evil.
A cup of blood to redeem.
None of us, worthy of the gift we receive.

Earth and mountains shattered,
The sky released it's wrath,
As evil danced on the body broken.
Three days of darkness passed,
Then eternal light danced,
In the face of that sin.
None of us, worthy of the gift we receive.

See the body broken,
In the bread we break.
See the blood pour forth,
As the wine is poured.
Receive the precious gifts,
And dance in the light.
For in this sacrifice we become worthy,
So God's gift we may recieve.

The challenging journey begins....

Yesterday it was Palm Sunday, the mention of which brings images of blazing sunshine, palm leaves being thrown to the floor and Jesus on a donkey riding in in glory. Well guess what.....Not a glimpse of Sunshine here, just frost and snow. I have grown accustomed to the concept now, that taking on this challenge this year means that I am to suffer in the cold. This does somehow feel appropriate. Though yesterday we celebrated Jesus riding in as "King of the Jews", we must also remember that Jesus must have had mixed emotions. He knew his moment in glory was not to last. So as I processed into the Chapel with joy in my heart, the cold rising through my feet until they were numb was a gentle reminder that Jesus too must have had these conflicting emotions.

Holy Week is a journey through Christ's suffering. In our hearts and heads we must examine our lives and our motives. I have been learning very quickly how peoples attitudes change when you do something different. Being Britain everyone is too polite to do anything but questionably stare at you, as if you are slightly mad and need their pity. Others just give you a glare as if to say, do you not know better or you are not as good as us. No matter how hard we try, we find people who are different a challenge. We seek familiarity and hide in it. However breaking through the barriers and allowing people to see difference as something to be embraced is something as Christians we all have a responsibility to do.

Soon after Jesus rode in in his glory, people in the hierarchy saw his difference as a challenge to them. Instead of embracing his humility they fought it. They did not spare the time to understand him, instead they condemned him to death.  Every time we walk past the person in the street behaving slightly differently and judge them we are complicit in what happened to Jesus. Just as when we welcome in the stranger to our house, we are welcoming Jesus in too.

Walking barefoot has highlighted for me how judgemental I can be. It is easy to condemn others before you understand them. It is easy to look at me and say I am mad, poor or just plain stupid, when you do not know why I have bare feet. I am vulnerable and I seek to be understood. How many other people feel like that and do I do enough to listen?

As I have said before, this is all for a good cause (other than making me realise what I do wrong). I am raising money for Us. I am hoping that I can make a positive change to some lives. Please donate via my just giving page:-
http://www.justgiving.com/Hannah-Phillips7

A big thank you to everyone who has donated so far, a grand total of £351 has already been reached.

On being barefoot

Well Friday has come round again and the shoes and socks are off for Us. again. I know I have tried to keep you up to date on my barefoot escapades, but I missed last Friday. There was a good reason for this, I switched off my internet for the weekend as I went on a pilgrimage. I spent the whole weekend barefoot, as many pilgrims over the last 950 years have done. Though it has to be said that more recently most people visiting Walsingham just do the Holy Mile Barefoot.

So I packed the suitcase minus shoes, socks and slippers, in order to remove temptation. Got into the car and enjoyed the warmth of the heating. As we drove through Thetford forest, I began to feel slightly as if I was cheating, here I was barefoot and driving. In the past pilgrims would have had to have made the journey by foot or by horse. It has to be said that when we arrived in the late afternoon and I got out the car, any ideas that I was cheating were vanquished by the shot of pain as I realised how much colder it was there. 

Having settled in our rooms and thawed my feet slightly, we went out to walk round to the refectory. Keen to take in the still darkness of the gardens we took the long route round. The children raced ahead taking in the crosses and stations. I stepped out on to the gravel paths, on top of the cold, it felt like a hundred needles stabbing my feet all at once. I could see the brick path and the shorter route, but made the concious decision to walk the path already chosen, as I really did want to remind myself of the gardens. The brick path came soon enough, as did the warmth of the refectory and hot food.

The next day brought colder weather and the stations of the cross. Walking the stations barefoot encouraged me to see them in a whole new light. Yes, I was in pain and yes, there was so much temptation to give up and walk back inside. However, I did not. I was experiencing a small amount of pain walking this short pathway, sheltered from the rain by a canopy. I could not complain when listening to the story of one who experienced so much pain, in order that I might receive salvation. To turn back, somehow seemed the most selfish thing I could have done.

The afternoon I spent sat in my sons room , as he felt tired. The others went off and I sat in the window seat watching life pass, when the rain became thicker and eventually turned to slush and then snow. My heart sank. It appeared at that point that there was some kind of pattern developing, that when I was barefoot it was to be cold at best and snowing at worst. The blessing was the snow did not settle and the fact that the Shrine Church was heated. That evening I went to Mass with the everyone else. I was moved when receiving the Sacraments. Not wearing shoes in this country has been for many years a sign that you have no money and so has become stigmatised. Walking anywhere without shoes on tends to lead people to think you are either slightly crazy or have no money. You feel vulnerable and concious of people you do not know looking at you. To come and stand before the altar and receive, in this state of vulnerability was most humbling. 

The final day of the Pilgrimage was Mothering Sunday, here I have to confess to getting my husband to bring the car to the entrance when we left. It was with good reason though, the ground was colder still than the day before and it was snowing more heavily than before. Still before this I had walked through the village to Parish Mass and back again to the refectory for lunch. I do feel I let the side down by allowing myself off the small distance to the car park having already walked this far. I was also aware that should I continue to take my feet from the extremes of temperature I was, I would damage them. Then I would not be able to do Holy Week and so that was my excuse to ease the guilty nagging in my head.

So that was my longest experience of being Barefoot for Us. compared to that, today seems simple and SO much warmer. The sun is out and although one could not say it is even warm, it certainly is not as cold as last weekend. As I have just mentioned I am not doing this because I am poor (many have said I am crazy, they may well be right), I am doing this in the hope that I might be able to help improve some peoples lives. If you feel inclined to donate please do so through my just giving page 

http://www.justgiving.com/Hannah-Phillips7

For anyone wondering, the picture at the top was taken after walking my friends dog before I left on the pilgrimage on Friday morning.

A light for my Journey

"Your word is a lamp to guide my feet, a light for my journey"

There is no story more moving in the Bible than that of the stations of the cross. I have never yet managed to listen, read or watch it without it changing me in some way. This weekend I joined a group of ordinands from college on a pilgrimage to Walsingham, taking with us our children. As part of the pilgrimage we walked the stations of the cross, whilst reading liturgy and singing hymns

We stood waiting for us to become a gathered community to walk the story of the Lord's suffering together. As we stood the cold bit into us all, we were to suffer as we traced the footsteps of the Lord. As we began our journey my youngest turned to me and asked to be lifted. So I started my journey in pain because of the cold piercing it's way through my feet and carrying on my back my child.

 As Jesus took up his cross, he carried his and our greatest burden, in order that we should receive the joy of redemption. I took up my child for whom my husband and I carry the burden of responsibility. My daughter, along with her brothers are also one of our greatest sources of joy. It is a bitter sweet mix of emotions that Our Lord must have felt carrying his cross, for the burden of responsibility is a heavy one. He did not carry the weight of one upon his back as I did, nor of the three I carry everyday, he carried on his back the weight of all of humanity. He did not do this with a strong body, he did this with a body that had already been broken and beaten by the evil of the world. He carried our weight on his back, even after we had broken him physically and emotionally. He took all this pain, hate and sin without complaint and walked away to his death.

As he walks the path to the top of the hill, he falls. He falls because we fall. We fall from the path of Faith, sometimes we consciously turn away, at other times we unintentionally stumble on our journey. Our Lord is there to take our hand and lead us no matter how many times we fall, and he does so gladly.

As Mother and Son meet I can not imagine the pain and suffering for Our Lady. To have to stand by and watch your child stumble on the pathways in life is hard enough. To have to watch your child take on the world's pain and evil, must have wrenched her heart out. In the midst of this pain, she does not lose faith, but runs to comfort her child as she always has. Our Blessed Mother has shown us that in spite of  heart wrenching suffering in our lives and others, the love of God is there in the way we show our love to others. 

Simon of Cyrene a bystander forced into helping Christ. Looks into the eyes of suffering and in it finds salvation. I had reached this point in my journey round the stations, my arms ached, my feet throbbed with the pain of the biting cold clawing it's way in from the ground. I had the wavering thought of turning round to the door just behind me into the warmth. How could I though? I am not doing this for my pleasure, but for others, it is not meant to be enjoyable. Simon no more wanted to help Jesus, than I or any of the others wanted to stand in the bitter wind and rain. Yet none of us turned back. Through suffering our own pain and experiencing the pain of others, we can transform lives. Just as Jesus transformed the life of Simon.

Veronica, in all her simplicity took a cloth to Jesus without a thought to the consequences for her. It is more often than not, that when we decide to do things impulsively without thought to the consequences for us that we come closest to God. Our Lady did not stop either to think of the consequences of accepting the gift God gave her, nor did God hesitate to give his and her son so freely for us. There are many things we can and do hesitate over, what would happen if we did not?

When Jesus reaches his final destination, he is stripped and robbed of his dignity. The soldiers valued his clothes more than the beaten Messiah lying next to them. We place value and take pride in our possessions, this corrupts our relationship with God. It is easy to collect a possession and take pride in it's newness, but is it any more use to us than the old one we had in it's place. To try and find peace in possessions is a never ending downwards spiral, because each new thing becomes old and our requirement for the next thing comes along. To look for peace in God is a constant for it never grows old nor ceases to be.

The next two steps on the journey are the hardest to listen to, our broken defeated Messiah lonely and despairing is nailed to his cross. He is bent and pulled out of shape to fit the burden he must carry with him to the last. We too are pulled out of our comfort zones if we are to fit the Christian life.  Then at the point at which he feels all have left him, even his own Father, he breathes his last breath of this life. There have been many points in my life when I have felt neglected and abandoned by all including God. It has often been in taking the last few breaths of that part of my life, the God comes pulls me back and sends me in a whole new direction because he has never left my side. It is in reaching the points of loneliness that we reach for God all the harder, when we reach he welcomes us and breathes a new life and a new strength into us.

Here I shall end this reflection as we stopped at the laying of Jesus in the tomb, for good reason, the best is yet to come. After many anxious months and much worrying, I feel now to that our lives are also sitting in the tomb to be reborn. I left here last Friday full of worry and discontent about our future. Spending time in reflection, listening to the stations of the cross, and finding the stillness in the Shrine, has left me with a peaceful anticipation of our future. Deo gratias.

Be Still

"Be still for the presence of the

Lord, the holy one is here.

Come, bow before him now, with

Reverence and fear.

In him no sin is found, we stand on

Holy ground.

Be still, for the presence of the

Lord, the holy one is here."

This is the first verse of a hymn I sung so often at school that it still trips off my tongue without the need of a book. It was most often used as the communion hymn where it's words have such an awesome meaning.  "Be still for the presence of the Lord, the holy one is here." The Lamb of God upheld before you, given to you and consumed by you, should be enough to "be still" anyone.   This I acknowledge is far easier said than done, especially if you have children, as I do.  Though on the days that stillness is found, the full enormity of what you are receiving is truly overwhelming and uplifting. 

Space, peace, quiet, time and stillness, are all things considered secondary to the business of our daily lives. Society today is concerned with rushing around and filling every second of our lives with something seemingly fulfilling. Since my youngest started school, I have found the time to just stop and think. Unfortunately for all of you, you have been subjected to the fruits of my time in thought. 

But what I have found is that pausing even for a second in the midst of the busiest time you have, you can look around and see that you are still standing on Holy ground. The immense power and beauty of God's creation and love surrounds us every second of the day. Taking time to appreciate what we have in even a glimpse of a moment of peace in our hearts is an acknowledgement that God is there. Through the joy and the pain, the stress and the calm, he is there in the stillness, when we choose to look.

To take the high road or the low road?

Today I have rid myself of shoes and socks again, in order to prepare my feet for Holy Week.  I have I confess been praying (and wishing) it might just get a bit warmer. However I should know better than to ask for something that would just make my life easier. This is afterall not meant to be easy, if it was there would be no point doing it. My friend, however pointed out that he had been watching me pass by his study window, picking and choosing my way to find the easy path. 

My friend has of course made me think ( a dangerous occupation, I know). The challenge really was that I was taking on something over which some people have no choice. Yet here am I exercising my freedom to choose....

What this friendly observation has caused me to do is reflect on why we look so carefully at the pathways we choose to follow in life. It has been apparent to me that often the things I have consciously decided for myself have often been what have led to most of the wrong turns. Situations where I have been led by circumstances and people around me, have often led me down a more painful but infinitely more fruitful path. So why don't I ever learn to trust?

We look back over much of our lives and can identify where we went wrong and about turn to fix it. Some things can never be healed others can, but learning to accept the path we have chosen for ourselves is often uncomfortable, especially when we know in our hearts that we thought we had taken the easier road.

Life is full of challenges and while we may be quick to decide that the smooth path might be easier than the rough, it will often be longer and harder. So I am going to endeavour to just put one foot in front of the other and trust that that is right thing to do. After all, all the ground is cold and while the gravel is visible, who knows what lurks in the grass..........

As I might have mentioned before I am not just insane, I am doing this to help others people through the charity Us. Should you wish to support me and them please donate through my Just giving page

http://www.justgiving.com/Hannah-Phillips7